Is J-Lo intelligent?

So I’ve opened the flood gates. First semen as anti-depressant, then urine as a not so tasty cure-all. The body fluid fixation needs to stop. I’m ashamed my editor has let me carry on this long. Maybe she’s on the pipe again.

So it’s only fair to report an increased interest in wine enemas. Water of course is the standard flushing agent, and coffee works extra hard. Wine enemas are reportedly relaxing and therapeutic. California-based sex therapist Dr. William Fitzgerald says more and more people are rediscovering this centuries-old remedy for calming the nerves.

Wine enema enthusiasts must be careful, though, because there’s a risk of alcohol poisoning since alcohol is absorbed through the bowels much faster than through the stomach.

On a more disturbing note, my passing interest in J-Lo has led to a new computer game. I’ve had a slight infatuation in Jennifer Lopez ever since I saw her film, “The Wedding Planner.” Then I saw her on a VH-1 special and couldn’t help but be inspired by her “pull herself up by her ballet slippers” story and the dramatic editing.

Some wedding planners aren’t as smooth as J-Lo. I DJ’d a wedding Saturday and the “planner” ran around with a decibel meter, worrying about complaints from across the Willamette. “Five decibels lower please,” she would say.

Perhaps everyone was stressed due to the white dove that almost shit on the bride when it was finally let out of it’s box. Towards the end the planners were telling us to shut down while the family was begging for more music and more volume.

“WWJD,” I thought: What would J-Lo, the ultimate Wedding planner, do? Would she let the party go on, or get all tough like she can do and shut it down?

So as respectable wedding DJ’s, we did what J-Lo would do and laid down the J-Lo remix from the Latin Booty Party Jams series.

She saved the day again. The problem, however, with Miss Lo is she hasn’t returned my e-mails. I only send like ten a day, so what’s the problem?

Maybe she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed after all.

I did a little search and came up with a message board discussing that particular issue. The banner across the top of this site had a nifty little collage of J-Lo that sucked me right in. Users of this board can even put a little picture of J-Lo, face moving from side to side, hair blown back, on their messages.

The moderator, Heather Palaez, said she thinks J-Lo is real smart.

Palaez wrote the Lo is nothing like the “brainiac smarty-pants who thought she was better than everyone else (like the people I lived with in the Program for the Exceptionally Gifted at Mary Baldwin College I was enrolled in were).”

So this girl is an Exceptionally Gifted school alumni and a J-Lo message board moderator?

Something’s rotten in E-land. I smell a rat.

I soon tired of these phony postings, and I still didn’t know if J-Lo was intelligent. So I did what any respectable journalist would and typed “naked J-Lo” into my search engine. But first I discovered that “Naked J-Lo,” is the name of a wicked new computer virus, presumedly attacking the ass-obsessed and gifted school grads.

The only viral activity I encountered was when I clicked on the first link. I thought it would have an intelligent discussion about J-Lo’s intelligence, but instead, porn sites began to pop up so fast, I had ten open at a time and couldn’t close them fast enough.

On deadline, I now ask this: Why is pop star gossip so fun to read? I can’t get away, I even end up writing about it. What would you, gifted college students, like to read, pop star crap and handy uses for bodily fluids, or about underground artists hardly anyone has heard of?

I think Miss Lo would now say, “Holla back!” Word.