Let’s get one thing straight: The world hates you. Insofar that the Earth is not a sentient being—an angry, bitter old man yelling at you to fuck off from behind his Lumberjack Slam breakfast, or a mugger holding you at knifepoint outside a Denny’s, or a madman rampaging through the same Denny’s with a chainsaw—it might as well be. We can talk about recycling and tree-planting all week, but the fact is that the world does not appreciate your efforts. This planet wants you and me dead.
Take for instance the Cascadia Fault, a subduction zone that rests where the Juan de Fuca and North American plates intersect (that’s right under us, bub). This zone, which covers an area ranging from Victoria, B.C. to northern California, builds tectonic pressure and releases it in the form of violent earthquakes that can reach a magnitude of over 9.0, wrecking the Pacific Northwest every 300 to 600 years. The longer the interval of time between releases, the stronger the quake. Unfortunately, the last earthquake on record took place in 1700.
We are overdue for a catastrophic earthquake, and it could happen at any time.
But fear not! We have compiled a list herein of the safest hills readers can head for once the ground inevitably begins to rumble beneath our feet.
That one big field with deer in it
Steering clear of the downtown area, or really any location with many buildings, would be in your best interest. Large, open areas will be the best places to make for. There’s this great field I saw outside the city with some deer in it, and those deer aren’t going to be phased by the quake at all. Heading to that field might be a good idea.
Regardless, I’m sure the deer will naturally rise up to take our place once we’re gone. After evolving into some form of deer-human hybrid, they will rebuild from the rubble left behind by Cascadia. Undoubtedly, they will build a newer, better Denny’s: Deer Denny’s. Portland will be renamed Deer City, and it will be as grand as a Grand Slam from Deer Denny’s. Assuming it’s still standing, that big deer sign on Burnside will finally make some damn sense too.
The Beach is a great place to go and unwind after a long day at the office or while avoiding earthquakes. Boasting 50-cent wings and $3 oyster shooters ALL DAY on Sundays, The Beach is a premier bar located in Charleston, S.C. that 73 people are talking about on Facebook. The other side of the country will definitely be a prime spot to be when Cascadia hits. If you made the foolish mistake of thinking this was a suggestion to go to an actual beach in the Pacific Northwest, then grow up. Ever heard of a tsunami, pal? They usually happen after earthquakes, so don’t go to the beach. But by all means, go to The Beach! After enough oyster shooters and mimosas, it’ll feel just like relaxing at a real beach!
Latitude 65º, Longitude –23º
In this quiet and peaceful bay outside Iceland, you can rest easy knowing that you have escaped the terrors of Cascadia. There are no Denny’s, but sacrificing a hearty breakfast for some beautiful scenery is a fair tradeoff.
Shielded by a large bluff and backed by an ocean, this will be a solid position to defend yourself from the oncoming Eyjafjallajökull pirates that will no doubt make life hard for you here. But hey, no earthquakes! Also, I buried a treasure chest for you on a nearby island, so feel free to help yourself. Spoiler: it’s three króna, a DVD-R with season 2 of Friends burned on it with Spanish audio, and a $10 gift card to Denny’s.
It will be lonely and there won’t be any bacon-maple sundaes for purchase from your local Denny’s up in space…but as far as we know, there won’t be any space-quakes to worry about since those haven’t been invented yet. Feel free to stare the murderous Earth right in its green-and-blue face from the safety of your space vessel! Celebrate your escape from certain doom with some Denny’s brand astronaut toothpaste-food and enjoy your new life in the black void!
Note: The Vanguard will not be held responsible if earthquakes coincidentally ravage these evacuation areas at the same time as Cascadia, nor if space-quakes have already been invented. All further grievances should take the form of a middle finger directed downward at the Earth.