The results are in. The Kristin Wallace and Dune Zhu ticket prevailed in last week’s student government elections, steamrolling a host of dark horse candidates. Among the disappointed would-be student representatives were such obviously qualified characters as Portland Trailblazer Ruben Patterson and former U.S. President Thomas Jefferson. Gilligan and God also found themselves on the short end of the ballot, raising further questions over the ruckus and controversy that marred this year’s ASPSU campaigns.
Although God could not be reached for comment regarding his decisive trouncing, a spokesperson for His Eminence pointed out that “This just goes to show the race does not always go to the swiftest, if you know what I’m saying.” When queried on the possible personality conflicts that might have arisen in the Student Fee Committee had both God and Gilligan made the cut, the spokesperson replied, “I don’t think that would be much of a problem. Gilligan spent all those years with the Skipper, and he has shown himself to be adept at handling authority.”
Although God’s much-vaunted omnipotence and Gilligan’s lovable bumbling make their qualifications self-evident, at least one student apparently felt that renowned economist John Kenneth Galbraith would have done the job just fine. Again, personality issues linger in the background, acting as subtext for this Student Fee Committee that might have been. Would old school goth-rocker Mr. Murphy (one vote, no relation to presidential candidate Cory Murphy) see his hands-on management style clash with the more laid back Yo Yo Ma (one vote), or might they have made beautiful music together? Although Murphy was unavailable to reporters, his past statements on similar issues have included the epigram “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead.”
Tracy Earll won the race for SFC Chairperson, edging out Byung Yoo and “NONE,” but controversy continued to swirl around the balloting. Because “Anyone but George W. Bush” received one vote, the campaigns of Ruben Patterson (the Kobe-stopper, one vote) and Thomas Jefferson (the Redcoat-popper, one vote) each argued their respective tallies should be doubled. As of press time, it was unclear what bearing the modification of results might have, but the Jefferson camp professed willingness to unite with Patterson supporters. “We’ve just got to come out here today and work as a team. Everybody’s gotta contribute. We’ve got a lot of guys who can do some damage, and the important thing is to play the full 48 minutes as a team,” commented one supporter of the founding father.
Former Vanguard Arts & Culture Editor Aaron Miles (one vote) seemed unfazed by tying British rocker Morrissey (one vote) in the hotly contested ASPSU student senate election. When awakened with the news at noon yesterday, Miles seemed to say something along the lines of “It’s all good.” How these two outspoken, finely-coiffed characters would interact in the student senate remains an unanswered question. Savvy insiders have suggested that the real issue centers on mystery candidate Big Moe (one vote).
Further clouding the electoral picture is the appearance in presidential polling of corporate spokes-icon Ronald McDonald (one vote) and anti-corporate crusader Dimitris Desyllas (one vote). It seems unlikely that these two giants of globalization could see eye-to-eye on university issues, and gridlock could ensue. “That’s a loaded question,” Desyllas said, “but I’d give it a shot. It would definitely be interesting.” Perhaps the only thing keeping this “shadow government” of also-rans and honorable mentions together would be the leadership of “A Qualified Candidate Please,” who walked away from the proceedings tied for fourth place (one vote).