bradleyc@vg.pdx.edu
Bruce Springsteen
“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
Is this a cover? The Boss needn’t stray from his “Glory Days” or other blue-collar anthemia. “Santa Claus” is easily the worst thing Springsteen ever rasped into a microphone. What’s that shit about good intentions paving the road to hell or something?
Mariah Carey
Merry Christmas
This album is holiday egocentricity at its worst. Mariah’s brain is all, “Everyone loves carols, everyone loves me. Hey, what if???” This crap is the musical equivalent to Carey’s paparazzi-shot nipple slips.
Wham!
“Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart”
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special.
It’s impossible not to imagine George Michael singing these words directly to his bandmate (man mate) Andrew Ridgeley’s muff-protected ears.
Elvis Presley
“Blue Christmas”
This song always reminds me of the blue Christmas lights people would decorate their shotgun shacks with in the redneck areas of Louisville.
Have you seen blue Christmas lights? Blue is the color of the University of Kentucky basketball team, so naturally it becomes the choice hue for everything: Chevrolet Skylarks, moo moos, old lady hair.
“We bleed blue here in Kentucky, yes sir. Oh yeah, and that dead tree in my windah, it’s a Wildcat fan too.”
Bobby Helms
“Jingle Bell Rock”
Nothing here rocks. Is there even a guitar in this song? The original “Jingle Bells” is more rocking than this and it only has two notes. Still, that won’t deter any 3rd grade teachers from forcibly humiliating the entire class at this season’s pageants by trotting out this dusty old turd.