Life’s a ‘Hitch’

"Hitch" is a great movie. Seriously, you should check it out. Pretty funny.

Having said that, "Hitch" really pisses me off. Did I like it? You bet. Did I laugh out loud? Oh, mama, yes. Did I feel "romantic" when it was over? Just ask the security guard at the theater (you have my number, Boo-Berry). It’s just that I feel so taken advantage of. A full week has passed since that magical evening, and the cold, "Hitch"-less reality hangs on my shoulders like a damp chamois hide. There is no date doctor, no true love, and men and women have gone back to being dully complex, multi-dimensional mammals. I hate you for doing this to me, Alex "Hitch" Hitchens!

As everybody knows by now, Hitch is luxuriously played by Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith, but for all I care the producers could’ve cut a whole lot of costs by casting a bubble bath or a double-headed cocoa vibrator in the role – yes, he’s that smooth. Predictably, however, Smith is the only thing going for this film. Anything not directly involving the Fresh Prince laying down his smooth groove is contrived, silly, hollow and often downright nonsensical. In fact, it’s not so much a movie as it is a showcase of how dreamy, milky, witty and delicious Smith is. Everybody else in the film acts solely as a foil to further accentuate the Fresh Prince’s supremely powerful fuckability – and boy-oh, does it work!

For those of you who are teenage girls and need your two-hour orgasm dressed in something resembling a three-part dramatic structure, here’s a synopsis: Will Smith is a date doctor who, for a small fee, teaches men to be erotic hurricanes like himself (yeah, right). Unfortunately, his main charge is none other than the fat guy from "The King of Queens."

Alas, it seems our yummy protagonist has finally met his match. Or has he? Remember, even though the King of Queens is repugnant in his sitcom series, he has that hot wife who is ridiculously attracted to his frumpy, blue-collar ways. So it turns out that the King of Queens doesn’t need any coaching. As long as he acts like himself, he’s just as desirable as the Fresh Prince. And. of course, he gets the girl of his dreams, who ends up looking and acting like little more than an anorexic harp seal.

It’s all pretty straightforward, right? Wrong! Peppered throughout this hodgepodge are some incredibly out-of-place, surreal episodes. Now I don’t want to spoil anything for anybody, but the crux of this tour-de-force is undeniably the scene where the Fresh Prince gets ‘luded on cough medicine and turns into Barry White. That’s right, apparently the date doctor’s secret remedy is a few giant swigs of Robitussin, a bottle of Ripple and a chenille couch (incidentally, I’ve known about this for years). Whatever the case, this scene is only one of quite a few that dips the film into a steaming mug of bizarre. There’s also an emotional lesson about immigration on Ellis Island, a jet ski chase and a missing pound of "china white."

But all this matters not. As I have mentioned, the Fresh Prince is sooo hot and sooo smooth, you’ll be thrusting your hand in your neighbor’s coke just to cool yourself down. Even with the numerous surreal plot twists, the dumpy supporting characters and the lack of a cocaine subplot (sorry, I made that up so you’d keep reading), "Hitch" is still all about the throbbing lightning rod of desire that is Hitch himself. And if you need more than that, you have no business at the movies.

So check out "Hitch." I recommend it, seriously.