Mama said there’d be months like this

There can’t be anything better than a lazy day filled with never-ending presents. Maybe a day where the city’s police, nurses, sumo wrestlers, witches and Flintstones are predominantly and patently provocatively attired?

There can’t be anything better than a lazy day filled with never-ending presents. Maybe a day where the city’s police, nurses, sumo wrestlers, witches and Flintstones are predominantly and patently provocatively attired? Or how about just a day where you’re allowed to get drunk out of your skull and pinch people? Yay for the consumerism contingent day of Christmas, the gluttonous family-get-together that is Thanksgiving, the wrath-inducing St. Patty’s, and the not-so-spooky but sensationally slutty Halloween. Alas, why can’t every day be nationally commemorative of the capital vices?

Not to fret, there is a holiday for every day of the year! Some prime exemplars are Squirrel Appreciation Day (Jan. 21), Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day (Feb. 20), What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day (March 3), Race Your Mouse Around Icons Day (Aug. 28), and of course, who could forget Unofficial Cuddling Day (April 7)—a great excuse to touch someone!

Although we don’t get days off school or work for all of these designations, the idea to celebrate holidays every day is to promote appreciation for the little morsels of our existence, and I’m all for that (although I have to admit I was a bit disappointed to discover I was conceived on Paul Bunyan Day).

Despite the credibility of randomness, there was meticulous planning involved in the chronology of all of these holiday implementations. For instance, Feb. 13 is National Free Hugs day, where you can test whether someone likes you or not. If they do, you can eat dinner, watch a movie, and have a slumber party with them on Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14. Then you can become your annoying charmless self again on Feb. 15, national That’s What She Said Day.

The list doesn’t end at 365. Don’t forget overlapping holidays and month designations (i.e. Peanut Month, Cable TV Month, Accordion Awareness Month, etc.).

But how can the nation devote its entire attention to the call of duty of a particular holiday exclusively when there are overlaps? Every month actually appears to have roughly 25 appointed themes. Zoo and Aquarium Month is concurrent with National Pest Control Month, which may cause some minor problems. Even worse, January expects you to honor oatmeal everyday whilst simultaneously adhering to a daily prune breakfast. Impossible! Perhaps even stranger are the low standards that many of these months encourage. May is Correct Posture Month: Just walk with an aligned spine for a couple more days now, it will all be over soon.

But these days and months do generally generate positivity and community morale. Some are even progressive for civilization! The Day of Silence is a youth-run protest in which students do not speak for the entire day to emphasize the hardships of the silenced LGBTQ community. It was held on April 16 this year and will be held again on April 15 in 2011. Make sure to register online if you intend to participate. It’s free of course, and the website speaks to the importance of the protest. A significant monthly celebration is February, Black History Month. Its pertinence with the month is valid—both Abraham Lincoln and Fredrick Douglass were born in February. Most schools hold some sort of commemoration toward the study of African-American history during this time, and television channels worth mentioning, like the Discovery Channel and the History Channel, often run specials.

Another month worth mentioning is September: Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month, established in 1984 by Lone Star Publishing. Alright guys, time for some unprecedented love mail!

Holidays, celebrations, and pure ol’ designations can be fun, educational, and even revolutionary. Yet sadly, aside from the popular holidays, many of these daily and/or monthly festivities fly under the radar. This means that they never meet the public’s eye, and that means that we are not celebrating them as a nation. Everyone knows that just like your super Sweet 16, unless you are celebrating with the nation, it’s not a freaking party.

Get the word out about these awesome on-the-DL holidays. Maybe you can even make one up of your own (March 26 is Make Your Own Holiday Day). How does an idea become an official date? A bit of cash and a visit to Congress. More realistically, a lot of unofficial holidays become popular through the Internet. That’s What She Said Day was popularized through a Facebook group! Even if you don’t succeed, you can still celebrate Only You Know It’s a Holiday Day.

That said, here’s a list of September’s holidays, in case you missed them.

September 2010

01. Emma M Nutt Day: Women only to answer phones.

02. National Blueberry Popsicle Day: Pop one in

your mouth.

03. Barkley the Dog’s Birthday (Sesame Street, duh) (also Skyscraper Day and Uncle Sam’s birthday): Throw a dog bone at the TV, climb to the top of a large building, point your finger at people’s faces.

04. Newspaper Carrier Day: Carry a newspaper.

05. Father’s Day (in Australia): Call a father in Australia and thank him.

06. Labor Day (also Read a Book Day): Screw reading books, no school!

07. Neither Rain Nor Snow Day: True every year.

08. Rosh Hashanah: Leviticus 23:24-25.

09. Teddy Bear Day: Tell your bf/gf to hit the couch, you’re sleeping with Ted tonight.

10. T.V. Dinner Day: Appreciate every second with your television, life is short.

11. Patriot Day: Perhaps a moment of silence.

12. National Grandparents Day: Obtain blackmail on Mom and/or Dad.

13. National Peanut Day (also Scooby-Doo’s Birthday): Chomp some nuts and smoke some Scooby Snacks (on the grill).

14. First Department Store Opens: “Borrow” Mom’s credit card like that one time you were 16.

15. Make a Hat Day: Make a hat.

16. Collect Rocks Day: Collect rocks.

17.  Citizenship Day: Read the Constitution (make sure it still applies, sometimes they don’t tell you).

18. Mushroom Picking Day: For cooking or for display!

19. Slimey the Worm’s Birthday (Sesame Street, duh.) (Also Talk Like a Pirate Day) Throw some dirt at the TV while Yarr-ing.

20. National Punch Day: Punch someone.

21. International Day of Peace: Apologize to them.

22. Business Women’s Day: Order men to make a casserole dish, with heels on, mind you.

23. Dog in Politics Day: ???

24. National Cherry Jubilee Day: Dance like a cherry.

25. National Comic Book Day: Snag an original X-men.

26. Johnny Appleseed Day: Who the hell is this guy?

27. Crush on a Can Day: Make out with a can. Be careful of the cheap whore with the blue ribbon.

28. National Good Neighbor Day: Reference “Tool Time” for tips.

29. Confucius Day: Eat a fortune cookie.

30. National Mud Pack Day: Facials!