McHater, don’t hate!

Yeah we’re a chubby nation, so what? Chubby knows he’s chubby, and he doesn’t need you harpin’ on him all the time. You know what? Sometimes people (chubby or not) are just plain hungry for fast food, OK? You got a problem with that?

Nowadays everybody’s talking about how horrible fast food is. "Haven’t you seen ‘Super Size Me’?" they say. Yeah I saw it, and that guy made some really good points and came to some "startling" conclusions that are worthy of national attention, blah, blah, blah.

But guess what?

Just because one guy on a bring-down-the-man mission tried to kill himself by eating McDonald’s every single day doesn’t mean we should be made to feel guilty every time we want a goddamn cheeseburger and a coke! Fuck y’all. Free yourself from burger guilt. I remember the day I didn’t have to be reminded of "Fast Food Nation," Whole Foods and cannibalistic cows every freaking time I waited in the drive-thru line, too. And those days weren’t so bad.

It’s like this. I’m a skinny man. I’m also a student, and sometimes I just want a burger here and again. That isn’t so bad, is it? Why is it that now every time I go to McDonald’s I have to hide the bag from my vegetarian girlfriend? Why do I have to get paranoid that somebody’s going to recognize my car when I’m waiting in the drive-thru line? Why do I mentally come up with elaborate stories to tell people if I run into them with a McDonald’s bag, like, "Uh, it’s for my grandma? She really likes McDonald’s and like she’s old, so you know. She just doesn’t know any better, etc."

I really think about this shit. It’s totally insane.

Christ, I’m not going to lie down for burger bullies anymore. I’m not ignorant or blind. I can see where this thing is going. If we aren’t careful, the next thing you know it’s going to get all Planned Parenthood at Mickey D’s. They’ll be holding signs and singing. Then the government will hop on the wagon and it’ll be like Big Brother Burger. They’ll have a Fast Food Task Force. People are going to have to start getting fast food camo and shit. It’ll be like buying porn, and they’ll have to serve your food in unmarked bags.

They’ll ban burgers in the liberal cities like San Francisco and New York. You won’t be able to eat burgers in front of kids, on the street or anywhere in public. It’ll get all McCarthy, and they’ll start locking people up and ruining acting careers.

I’m starting to get freaked out. People better start spreading burger love before it’s too late.

Fast food burgers aren’t that bad. Fast food burgers are good, and so are fries. Fries are freaking really good. I say don’t mess with my fast food any more. Between the puck-like efficiency of three cheeseburgers at McDonald’s and the lethargy this simple meal delivers, or the delicate, juicy, mouthwatering ecstasy of Burgerville’s burgers smothered in special sauce, fast food burgers will always be my darling little treats.

I say give me burgers or give me death! I say viva the anti-anti-burger revolution, man. Hating on burgers is so pass퀌�; burger lovers are the new bohemians.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to eat fast food everyday to be a part of the revolution. You don’t even have to eat it once a week. Hell, you don’t have to eat it at all. Just don’t be hating on everybody who likes to have a burger every so often. There isn’t anything wrong with a fast food burger binge here and there. If you don’t do it everyday, and you don’t get a shit-ton of food every time you go, fast food can be a non-destructive contribution to your overall diet. So knock off the guilt trips, I’m eating here.