Perhaps because I like whispering these nothings in your ear hole, and the Vanguard keeps letting me do it, I’m back at Portland State for another three years.
My non-student friends ask me why I go to school. They still can’t get over the “first day of school, no pants” dream. Maybe they wet the bed too. I really need some new friends.
But why do I go to school? If this were my first year at PSU, I could say it is because Katie Harman inspired me. I read a Q&A with her on the USA Today Web site. People from all over the country asked her questions. She said she would advocate new causes like Lays potato chips. You can vote for your favorite regional flavor online.
If I were to whore myself out, it would have to be for Abercrombie and Fitch. Have you seen their new catalogue? Talk about a reason to go back to school! There are pictures of young hotties strewn in homework papers making out in an old car, two girls playing tongue hockey with a guy, abnormally buff shirtless guys with tribal arm band tattoos, and a topless hunk feather dusting a classroom.
Much to my chagrin, I’ve eagerly entered many classrooms and never seen a topless person feather dusting. Thank you, Abercrombie and Fitch, you’ve fulfilled one of my fantasies. Too bad your clothes are uninspired and generic.
I wonder if speech communication major Katie Harman will return to PSU? Maybe she’ll have a bodyguard, and they’ll fall in love. They will make out in the back of media literacy class and the teacher will yell at the bodyguard because he’s a 44-year-old beauty school dropout and non-PSU student. Maybe Katie will wear an Abercrombie ensemble with her tiara and excited students will whisper, “There she is, Miss America!”
I should become a Business major. For a minute I thought about dropping out of college and starting an online business. I could start spamming people (are you paying attention A&F people? – Spamming!) and hope for the best. I think I would hawk Extenze, a new product promising to extend that “certain part” of the male body by a whopping 27 percent.
I didn’t do so well in math. Just how much is 27 percent? Perhaps, if I take it, when I do have that requisite “back to school, no pants” dream, my toes will demonstrate my virility like never before. But will I have to buy new shoes? I would need a 27 percent raise to afford those, due to my addiction to online spiritual advisors.
I found my online spiritual advisor after being spammed hard on “Labor Day.” The “Spiritualist” Web site sets us lost souls up with personal advisors. We are invited into their homes for up-close and personal readings. Video streaming technology allows for interactive readings. The waterfalls and little picture of Stonehenge help too.
My interactions are with a strapping young man named Mr. P. As a young child he was able to see the energy of the universe. He could astral project, or project his ass, to various places in his home, and would automatically heal people and animals without understanding how or why. He said to me: “Drink your milk, stay in school, don’t be a fool!”
So, here I am again. School is a time to finally get focused. No more laying around in my Abercrombie boxers, reading Maxim all day and flirting in bars and coffee shops.
It’s “Go Time,” Mr. P tells me. I have a focus now. I have to get up by noon and read schoolbooks in between chapters of that really long new Harry Potter book. And I have to flirt in classrooms now.
Mr. P. said I “may find what I’m looking for in an academic setting.” I think we all dream about the study date that turns into a dream date. I don’t think those happen enough. Have you ever seen an adult movie that involves studying? I haven’t, and I say it’s time to put the sex back in school.
Lectures are sexy! So is studying! Hooray for school!
Honestly, what school really needs are more pranks. Isn’t there supposed to be a jovial bunch of co-eds running around naked in dead president masks hanging freshmen up by their underwear, toilet paper streaming in their wake like a glorious Phoenix tail? It sounds juvenile, indeed, but damn, it’s just a form of flirting, which we all love, right? If you’re feeling uninspired, Prank.org has some fun pranks, but please, don’t damage anything or hurt anyone. Just make us laugh.
I’m off to learn how to use a comma better and make people laugh. If anyone has something funny to share, by all means do it! Send your funny bits to the email above. Don’t be shy!