The image of a couple in love (or simply in close proximity) kissing under the mistletoe is an iconic one. It’s a revered winter tradition and a highlight of the season for every hopeless romantic during the month of December. As is the case with many of our most-beloved seasonal institutions, mistletoe starts out with the best of intentions but can quickly devolve into the low point of a holiday gathering.
The image of a couple in love (or simply in close proximity) kissing under the mistletoe is an iconic one. It’s a revered winter tradition and a highlight of the season for every hopeless romantic during the month of December. As is the case with many of our most-beloved seasonal institutions, mistletoe starts out with the best of intentions but can quickly devolve into the low point of a holiday gathering.
The Fake-out
This one happens when one member of a couple, usually having been together long enough to find humor more enriching than fleeting romance, tricks an unsuspecting partner into thinking a smooch is on its way. I see it every year: A young man approaches his girlfriend, holds a piece of mistletoe above her head and poses for a kiss. She moves closer, thinking the holidays have finally brought out his romantic side, and as she leans in—he licks the side of her face. Or bites her on the shoulder. Or grabs her butt. Whatever form the fake-out takes, it usually results in either a good laugh or someone sleeping on the couch.
Land Mining
This involves hanging mistletoe all across the ceiling and from every stationary object in your home that’s above six feet. Usually land-miners are people with a secret crush who hope to cash in at the next holiday party—a party which they will, naturally, be throwing. They figure that with the right combination of mulled wine and coincidence, their crush will eventually find his or her way to a spot below a mistletoe sprig. It’s a bold approach that can lead to the joy of a Christmas wish granted or the rosy cheeks of a freshly slapped face. Sometimes both.
Kiss Fishing
Unlike land-miners, kiss fishers make no secret of their romantic ambitions. Fishers wear hats with mistletoe dangling out in front of them like bait—since the mistletoe is plainly visible, people can choose to be reeled in or avoid it at all costs, making for a festive night of catch and release.
False Pretenses
Mistletoe is a parasitic, poisonous plant with round, green leaves and white berries. When ingested, some species can cause blurred vision, stomach pain, nausea, acute diarrhea, a slowed pulse or even death. Holly usually has red berries, sharp spiked leaves and is in no way related to mistletoe. Both are used as holiday decorations, and people often confuse the two. Don’t be fooled—holly grows readily in Portland and is a cheap imitation. Save your lips for someone who did their research. Smart is sexy, after all.
