Music World Happenings

Headless Bird Population To Increase
Have you yearned for true Sabbath all your life, but been cruellydenied solely by virtue of your unfortunate birth years after theoriginal lineup faded? Did you miss out on the glory days of theearly seventies when Ozzy was Master of Reality, instead of beingdetached from reality? Well, you’re in luck, since Ozzy Osbourne,Tony Iommi, original bassist Geezer Butler and Ozzy’s solo drummerMike Bordin will be reuniting for a U.S. tour, according to theofficial Black Sabbath website. They will headline the summer 2004Ozzfest tour with a reunited Judas Priest, Slayer and DimmuBorgir.

Ozzy Ice Cream
Ozzy is also popping up in a more bizarre location than BlackSabbath. Both he and his wife/manager Sharon are to have their ownice cream flavors from New Jersey’s Country Cow Creamery, accordingto Ananova. Look for Ozzy’s Carnivorous Carrot Cake (sportingcinnamon spice with hazelnut liquor-soaked carrot cake) and Deathby Sharon (comprised of dark chocolate fudge and brownie soaked inGodiva liquor) to be out later this year, possibly in time for youto eat on your way to Ozzfest.

Gene Simmons Is A Jackass
Kiss bassist Gene Simmons made a totally ignorant ass out ofhimself on an Australian radio program last weekend, as he labeledIslam a “vile culture” and warned listeners that “they want to comeand live right where you live and they think that you’re evil,” NMEreported.

Unsurprisingly, many Australian Muslims were offended byIsrael-born Gene’s comments and his lumping of the egalitarianIslamic faith into the same category as suicide bombing extremists.Surprisingly, the historically misogynistic Simmons had some barbsfor the treatment of women in some Islamic states. “Your dog,however, can walk side by side, your dog is allowed to have its owndog house … you can send your dog to school to learn tricks, sit,beg, do all that stuff – none of the women have that advantage,” hesaid on air.

As a result of his comments, I now have to feel kind of badliking Kiss so much, and am beginning to regret drawing a huge Kisslogo in Sharpie on the back of my jacket.

Dear Prudence
Don’t you hate those annoying, bitchy neighbors that always harassyou when you’re trying to play some records or electric guitar inyour apartment? (You jerks at the Kurdy, you know who you are.)Well, apparently Paul McCartney has the same problem, according toNME. After paying 250,000 pounds to rent a fucking enormous domesurrounded by a river to practice for his upcoming European tour,some people living on a nearby island have complained that thenoise level is too high for their tender eardrums. Environmentalhealth officials paid a visit to Sir Paul and the parties came to a92-decibel compromise, which is way better than my neighbors everdid for me.

Real Sex Soundtrack
Dance pop sensations Franz Ferdinand are busy getting to work on anew project, according to Pitchfork. They, along with the DandyWarhols, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and others are laying down thesoundtrack for the super-sexy and graphic British film “NineSongs.” Franz’s song will be featured prominently during one of themost hardcore sex scenes, all of which are 100 percent legit andunsimulated.

Not only will the music be playing, but clips of each band willbe spliced into each scene they play music for, in what has thepotential to be a real mood killer. Who really wants to seeCourtney Taylor-Taylor’s face spliced into a porntastic foreignindie film right at the most climactic moment? I’m sure Courtneydoes.

Miramax Wants Moore
Although Miramax will be unable to distribute Michael Moore’slatest anti-Bush docu-drama “Fahrenheit 9/11,” it looks like thecompany’s principals Bob and Harvey Weinstein might be. Reutersreports that Disney has offered to sell the pair Miramax’s interestin the film, after which they would have to seek a third party tohandle distribution. Disney was less concrete, saying that Miramaxwas not the only option being considered.

50 Cent Suffers Water Damage
50 Cent might be looking at criminal charges as a result of themelee that flared up at his surprise concert several weeks ago.After an errant water bottle struck his shiny, hairless head, threewomen in the front row reportedly sustained injuries, with twobeing kicked in the head and face as 50 and his entourage hurledthemselves in pursuit of the flying receptacle. A brawl thenerupted and although only the water-throwers have been reprimandedso far, it looks like 50 is set to join them in receiving a slap onthe wrist.