My Super Ex-Girlfriend is a big giant piece of crap – but you already knew that. It’s bad in a bad way, the same story that’s been told over and over and over-
Blah blah blah.
But wait – this prime slab of suckage harbors something even stinkier beneath its surface: sensibilities about men and women that would compel even my Republican grandma to burn her bra.
Uma Thurman plays the crazy, needy, clinging neurotic ex-girlfriend of Matt Saunders (Luke Wilson). She also happens to be revered superhero G-Girl, and after Matt dumps her ass she goes crazy by punching holes in his ceiling and using super-speed to strip him bare-ass naked at work.
This tiresome 90-minute boner flick screams “I’m-afraid-of-women-because-they’re-all-crazy-psycho-bitches.” In one scene, G-Girl is too jealous of Matt’s female coworker to stop a missile heading for New York City. The night after she tries to fuck him in the sky.
Later, she throws a great white shark into the female coworker’s apartment window, and after chomping through the house, the poor shark falls hundreds of feet to its death. Ha ha.
As a strange hybrid that sits somewhere between a bland romantic comedy and Scary Movie 4, Girlfriend gets to avoid those human touches (also known as character development) that have made other superhero movies interesting – the various neuroses of Batman, Superman’s isolation, the oppression of the X-Men.
In all fairness, however, this movie was made for 15-year-old boys and it probably serves them well. There are plenty of short skirts and boobies and the film plays out in such a way that unless you’re a college reporter who’s taken too many women’s studies courses, you won’t be forced to think about how the whole point of the film is to purport that women are always on the rag and men are emotionally retarded, simple-minded assholes.
But the real problem with Girlfriend is that it’s so boring and painfully manufactured that you will be forced to think about how stupid the women characters are, and how disappointing it is that the film’s premise was probably written by a team of interns who produced the script in a matter of hours.
You’ll think about how you need to make an appointment to get your hair did, and where you’re going to find quarters to do a load of laundry, and if they’re still doing Big Mac Mondays at McDonalds, and all the other worries you go to a movie like My Super Ex-Girlfriend to forget.