New Found Glory does emo like no other

Before reading this article, it must be taken into account every person has no choice but to attend at least one bad emo show every year. With that taken care of, let me tell you why that should be New Found Glory at the Roseland this weekend. A number of criteria come under consideration here.

The first, the show must be all-ages, is easily met. It is not bad emo without hordes of 14-year-old girls with disposable cameras crowding the stage. If you’ve been to an all-ages show you considered “bad emo” but those girls were not present, that band was obviously doing something wrong (or right). Maybe they haven’t yet been signed to either Vagrant Records or Drive-Thru Records, or maybe they had scary beards. Whatever the case, I’m sorry, but your quota has not been met and, with the year almost up, your options are limited!

The second requirement is as easily met by New Found Glory as the first: a heavily-gelled lead singer. Even if singer Jordan Pundik is just scraping his styling goo from Dashboard Confessional’s bathroom sink, he more than meets the required dosage. A well-gelled singer can really do wonders for a band. Hey Mercedes, for example, is a band that overcomes the problem of “credibility” by boasting a lead singer who is generously gelled.

The third requirement is tricky, and those new to the whole “emo” phenomenon may miss this one if I don’t offer a thorough description. As noted previously, you want big groups of kids. However, you must not find yourself in the presence of a church youth group or the whole thing is voided.

Using the following criteria, it is quite easy to pick a youth group out of a crowd of youth. First, the group who is allowed out to a concert is probably a member of one of the more “liberal” churches. Their leader in this case will be a goateed young man of college age. You will notice he is unaccompanied by another of his age group and is interacting instead with a group of young teenagers, providing them with the positive role model their parents have been promised. If you are uncertain about a group, there is one very easy way to tell for sure: At least some of the youth will be wearing T-shirts representative of their faith. While their affiliation with this “liberal” church has given them access to an otherwise forbidden rock concert, children must rebel against everything and their shirts will probably bear conservative messages like “Abortion kills” or “Homosexuals are messengers of the coming apocalypse.”

Now, the youth group is one of several reasons to skip the Juliana Theory concert and is all but lost amongst the myriad reasons to never see the Movielife. But it is safe to assume that New Found Glory, with their tattoos and piercings, will be free of their presence.

With all of these demanding criteria to meet, it doesn’t look like there are many more shows coming through that will satisfy the connoisseur of bad emo. Despite the makeup of the audience, Sparta was too good a band to qualify, so you’re left with either New Found Glory or Dashboard. The decision, my friend, is yours. Choose wisely.