Nine headlines for 2009

In honor of the New Year, the Vanguard has peered into the future and discovered nine headlines that we absolutely, positively guarantee will appear in our paper next year. Or not.

Obama challenges country to colonize the moon, Jan. 21
President Barack Obama asked Americans to join him in a 21st century space race during his inaugural address yesterday.

He said that Detroit’s Big Three automobile makers would immediately begin producing parts for rocket ships and a special moon base in an effort to colonize the moon and revitalize America’s flagging economy.

PSU adds fourth letter, becomes PSUO, March 2
In an effort to fight off the University of Oregon’s encroachment into downtown Portland, PSU rebranded itself yesterday by becoming Portland State University of Oregon.

Rec center construction delayed until 2020, April 2
The recreation center construction was delayed after its walls were accidentally filled with vegan cream cheese instead of plaster. Fortunately, the delay only added an additional decade onto the rec center’s opening date, and the rec center should still gain a bronze LEED rating.

Portland State campus opens in Amsterdam, April 20
PSU President Wim Wiewel proudly announced the opening of a special campus in Amsterdam specializing in botanical studies and hydroponics. Wiewel said he would take a special trip to visit the campus in a few months to “monitor its progress.”

Sea people invade Swan Island, May 17
Due to the changing climate, sea people swam inland from the Pacific Ocean and are now camped on Swan Island, where they are demanding the right to squat until the waters cool. Portland Mayor Sam Adams is currently negotiating with Oolatar, the sea people’s leader.

“Portland is cool,” Oolatar said, “but there are too many Californians here.”

Aquaman is expected to arrive Monday to help mediate.

MAX line for every street, May 30
In an ambitious new plan outlined yesterday, the City of Portland will install MAX lines on every single street in the metro area, at a cost of roughly $600 trillion. The city plans on using revenue from the Timbers games to pay for it.

You finally graduate, June 14
Yeah, right…

Barack Obama delivers change–door to door, July 6
President Obama, desperate to deliver on his campaign promise to deliver change to America, is on a 50-state tour handing out pocket change door-to-door.

Each citizen can expect between 25 cents and a dollar in change. Citizens who accidentally receive Canadian change may exchange it, minus a small fee, for American money. Obama will be in Portland tomorrow.

Campus feeling space squeeze, Sept. 30
Portland State’s enrollment has ballooned to more than 106,000 students–almost one out of every five Portlanders now attends the university. To cope with large class sizes, PSU has rented the Rose Garden, Memorial Coliseum and PGE Park to hold lectures.

Rental costs will be paid for by a $300 dollar per term student incidental fee.