Jack White breaks up with himself
Since 1997, the White Stripes have been a hipster institution, and we’ve seen Jack White evolve into one of the world’s best rock guitarists. However, that time is no more. Jack White has broken up with himself.
Since Jack White carried the entire band on his shoulders, the music community need not mention Jack’s accompanying metronome with which he shared the stage. Since Jack is no longer bound to continue making music with this outdated piece of equipment, he can finally focus on all those other projects that he’s been neglecting.
Bands like the Dead Weather and the Raconteurs have sorely been missing Jack’s presence lately, as all his free time has been devoted to carrying the weight of two band members in his primary project, and that’s a lot of work.
People with white belts everywhere are mourning the passing of the White Stripes, with many of them pouring out sips of their Americanos on the sidewalk in honor of Jack’s mitosis.
Lindsay Lohan now a thief of more than just time
A jewelry store in the Los Angeles area is crying foul over Lindsay Lohan’s alleged theft of a one-of-a-kind necklace from their shop. Lindsay said that the store “let her borrow it” but we all know that jewelry theft always follows drug addiction in child star descent.
After a picture of Lindsay Lohan wearing the piece ended up on the Internet, an astute e-detective went to work in identifying the piece, which was indeed reported as stolen the day after it was discovered missing.
One has to admire the work of the anonymous tipster, and that one could spy the unique make of a piece of jewelry from a grainy jpeg. It almost makes one wonder what the tipster could be capable of in the real world if they didn’t spend their time looking at up-to-the-minute Lindsay Lohan photos.
I urge all the readers to write to Kaplan and beg them to change 95 percent of the GRE questions to questions loosely based on Lindsay Lohan and her jewelry. Maybe this is the key to turning the economy around. The other countries don’t even have to know.