Now in session: Porn 101!

There are some topics divisive enough that your stance clearly defines your character to others, leading to assumptions and even prejudices that are difficult to change. Religion and politics are obvious examples of this, but conversations about sex shine an equally bright light onto one’s personality.

Consider walking into Kells and overhearing some Scotch-sipping patrons discussing their water-sports fetishes. Most likely, these pee-is-sexy types went from potential hooligans to obvious perverts in your mind. However, if you were a fellow urophiliac, you’d want to join them and swap stories of your own golden moments.

This is what talking about porn is like for most people outside the adult film industry. Most people either can’t stop giggling or just frown and ignore you as you casually rattle off your favorite actors and producers—and it’s never easy to bring up your enthusiasm for the latest release in the Weapons of Ass Destruction series or how you thought the lighting was a bit weak in My Hot Wife is Fucking Blackzilla #7.

However, porn has made some crossover into the mainstream in the last decade: Ron Jeremy has held several guest spots on cable TV and in major motion pictures, My Bare Lady (FOX Reality) chronicled porn actresses who took on theater roles in London’s West End, and Family Business (Showtime) followed around porn producer Adam Glasser, aka Seymore Butts, while he and his mom ran their porn company.

Sasha Grey even landed a lead role in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience—evidence abound that porn is being accepted, or at least tolerated. Bear in mind that I’m talking about hetero-normative porn here: Queer and alternative porn has a ways to go.

Those willing to admit their porn fascination will appreciate the following list of highlights from last year and quick rundowns of some classics. With any luck, you’ll be encouraged to freely discuss titles you enjoy and those to avoid as you relax your worries about being judged for liking adult film.

Top picks for 2010

Best film: Big Wet Asses 15

The Big Wet Asses series is known for casting starlets who have not performed on-screen anal sex acts—Julia Bond, Sunny Lane and Alexis Texas, to name a few—and has won consistently with this shtick at the Adult Video News Awards (the AVNs are more or less the porn Oscars). BWA15 cover girl Gianna Michaels finally answered the cries of her derrière-obsessed fans and performed anal with super stud Michael Stefano. Ava Rose offered up her on-film anal cherry as well in this title, and her sister Mia Rose took on frequent AVN winner Manuel Ferrara to close out the DVD.

If you haven’t seen any of the BWA titles, this is a great one to start with. You really can’t miss with any of them, though—there are five scenes featuring starlets with thick backsides that get slathered in lube and then penetrated. Hey, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, right?

Best actress: Sasha Grey

I love me some Sasha Grey. There is a reason she was cast as a lead in a Soderbergh film—she separates herself from the trashy-bimbo-with-silicone stereotype unfortunately applied to porn actresses thanks to Jenna Jameson and hundreds of nameless, aging Californian waitresses still searching for their big break. Grey’s natural grace and beauty are very refreshing, but she’s still one of the dirtiest girls in the biz—check her out in AVN-nominated Throat: A Cautionary Tale or Anal Cavity Search 9 and you’ll agree.

Best actor: Michael Stefano

This man inspires a jealousy in me like the envy Bill Gates draws from young geeks who wish they, too, could amass billions with their computer-programming prowess. Stefano is superbly hung, dashingly handsome and he produces, directs and stars in some of the best adult film available today. That, and he’s hooked up with dozens of my favorite actresses…those fellows in high school who were sleeping with cheerleaders that I merely got to see in skimpy outfits have nothing on Stefano.

Oldies but goodies

Deep Throat (1972)

Linda Lovelace plays a woman who can’t orgasm until her doctor discovers that her clitoris is located in the back of her throat. She then goes on a fellatio escapade to find a husband, intermixed with the sounds of bells clanging to signify orgasms—the film is nearly 40 years old, and still the absurdity runs strong. The sexual ardor is somewhat lost, given how farcical the film tries to be, and it adds weight to the argument that porn shouldn’t try to win comedy awards and comedies shouldn’t make you want to masturbate.

All I Want for Christmas is a Gang Bang (1994)

What happened to John T. Bone that made him decide to combine yuletide cheer with an orgy? The world may never know, but they can watch as he directs nine dudes going to town on Annabel Chong and Kerri Downs. Gangbang films are always a crapshoot, because the rampant bacchanalia precludes any sense of intimacy between actors and there are usually a few guys you’d just rather not see naked that get cast to take sloppy sevenths. But if you’re in the mood for some all-out group action circa the early 1990s, this is a solid choice.

Silliest porn titles

Big Boob Bangeroo
Blowbang Sexxxperience
Boobaholics Anonymous
Butt Junkies
Creamy Stinkstars
Cum on my Tattoo
Cum on my Stockings
Full Metal Jackoff
I Can’t Believe I Took the Whole Thing
Lawrence of a Labia
Perverted Grannies
Real Men Prefer Strap-Ons
Screw My Wife Please 32—And Make Her Sweat Like a Pig!
The Long Piss Goodnight
Willie Wanker Up the Chocolate Factory