Off the Top of my Head

Dear Carmen,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I’m still madly in love with him. Unfortunately, while he would say our sex life is great, I have an alternate opinion.

After 10 months, “I don’t like the taste” is no longer a valid excuse. I have no problem sacrificing the integrity of my tonsils; however, I feel that reciprocation is a necessary element of any relationship. Blowjobs are no fun, either. Do you have any suggestions for an unfulfilled girl?

Stuck In Cunnilingus Kindergarten


You poor, poor girl! (Almost) everyone deserves some good, quality oral action, especially those unfortunate girls out there who are giving, but not receiving. Ten months and no change? Why are you still going down on him? Though revenge isn’t always the best answer, in this situation, it is usually quite effective.

First, we’ll address the “taste” issue. There are all sorts of possibilities of why your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate your particular flavor. One could be hygiene, but I expect that you probably already take care of that, as all girls should. Every girl has her own personal thing going on down there, and a taste that one person may like might not please the taste buds of another. So your boyfriend may not enjoy you, but someone else might. But don’t go running off to someone else, because there is a solution!

Go to your nearest health clinic and ask the nice nurse for dental dams (preferably flavored like a delicious fruit)! If you can’t get a hold of those, or if dental dams are too thick for your pleasure (very likely), then buy some flavored condoms and slit them down one side, open up to maximum coverage, and use that as a makeshift dental dam. If all else fails, and you are desperate for below-decks entertainment, use Saran Wrap. It works and is pretty thin. Now he has no more excuses, and you will be deprived no longer.

Dear Carmen,

My friends keep telling me that I need to have the experience of throwing up as a result of drinking too much alcohol. I, however, take pride that I can get totally drunk without vomiting. (I take after my father in that regard.) How can I convince them that I can live without puking from alcohol?

Drinkity Drink Drink


Either your friends are incredibly immature, or just want to feel better about their own alcohol excesses. Maybe they think that you haven’t really experienced what it’s like to be so drunk that the room won’t stop spinning while you make out with that creepy person that no one really invited and then declare your love for Limp Bizkit atop a table. This is not healthy, though you’ll be hard-pressed to compete with the outrageous stories everyone else stockpiled from their youthful indiscretions. So you just have keep telling them that you like to stay in control and out of the hospital, but don’t expect them to cut you any slack. They just want to have some fun, and they will do it any way they know how, even if you prefer doing something else.

Dear Carmen,

I don’t have any problems. Do you?

Perfectly Balanced


Oh, the incessant denial! I’m positive that you have some problem, even if it is just being unreflective about your own life. As for me, of course I have problems. And unfortunately, I don’t have anyone as wonderfully savvy as myself around to answer them on a whim. It’s kind of hard to get a nice, distanced response from the mirror (though that certainly doesn’t stop me from trying). Lucky for you readers out there that I have made enough mistakes in the past to know just how to advise you when you actually have problems. Don’t you think?

Don’t know what to do? Write to Carmen for all the answers: [email protected] o; P.O. Box 347, Portland, OR, 97207-0347.