It’s my assumption that many of you are in your early 20s and you’ve just begun schwillin’ the booze on a regular basis. In fact, according to the to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 30 percent of college students meet the criteria for alcohol abuse, and 6 percent are even alcohol dependent (aka the valedictorians of drunkenness). Impressive! I think congratulations are in order. You kids are really making a go of it, and Christ knows that that’s hard work. So go ahead and pat your tipsy self on the back. You know, most people will tell you that drinking is “bad” and it could “ruin your life,” but let’s abandon the clich�s for just a moment. After all, spring is here!
As the days get longer and the workloads get lighter, what we young college kids do is get sloshy with our friends. Although, what many of us don’t realize is that what we order during these hedonistic booze bashes actually says a lot about who we are. Essentially, drinks are nothing more than extensions of our personalities. It’s totally like the SATs: hobo = wine, gangster = Old E, and on and on till the end of time.
Now, I realize that most of you are budding little flowers just coming of age, and the whole booze scene probably seems like a lot to take in. So please allow me, an experienced bartender and wise young soul, to give you a few pointers on what’s OK and what is, well, hella lame.
Let’s start with the ladies, shall we? Unfortunately, for years alcohol has been the vehicle for hanky panky even when it is unwanted. Now this is serious business, all right? If you are out at a bar and the guy you’re with buys you a “Long Island Ice Tea,” he wants to get you drunk. If he buys you two, he probably doesn’t want you to remember the ride home. If he orders shots with funny names like “Red Headed Sluts,” or “Slippery Nipples,” he is a douche bag. If he orders a “Red Bull and Vodka,” he likes to grind strangers on the dance floor. If he orders a “martini” he is trying to impress you, especially if he says he wants it dry. If he orders “Coors Light,” he’s from Beaverton. And if he knows what “Madori” is, he’s a closet case. Be careful and drink defensively.
Now let’s move on to men. Guys, if she orders tequila, she’s either down to party or she’s bored stiff. If she orders whisky, she’s probably trying to impress you or she is a hard-ass drunk. Fruity drinks? She’s underage or she’s gonna puke in a pint glass or on you shoes in about an hour. If she drinks “Coors Light,” she’s one of the boys and would make a better date to a hockey game than to a nice restaurant. If she orders soda, she’s a recovering alcoholic. If she likes scotch, she will sleep with your dad. If she likes wine, she may have class unless she drinks it out of a flask (I once got kicked out of a bar because one of the girls I was with was drinking merlot out of a flask). If she likes creamy drinks like White Russians, well, that might be a good sign.
With all that stupidity behind us, let’s move on to the do’s shall we? For the fellas, do order whisky. Try not to order cranberry juice; it’s not overtly effeminate, but cranberries are totally female. Beer is always good, but never Coors unless you’re going to a redneck-themed party; then it’s a must. Scotch is great, but don’t make a funny face when you drink it unless you’re incredibly charming. Ladies, drink vodka cranberries, gin and tonics, and even an occasional cosmopolitan. Wine’s totally hot, just watch out for the bloody smiles and stained-ass lips. Cheers.
(Editor’s note: Drink responsibly. Watch out and take a cab. What am I, your mom? Jesus!)