One hot mess

Alright—is it just me, or has it been unnaturally cold? That’s not really a question. After all, when making the trek from the Smith Memorial Student Union to the Portland State Bookstore, which takes maybe two and a half minutes, my face goes completely numb and I have to check that my fingers haven’t fallen off while crossing Broadway—I know it’s cold.

Hell-has-frozen-over cold! Aren’t numbness, burning and the general sensation that everything you touch is covered in razor blades the signs of first-degree frostbite? The answer, by the way, is yes.

So I’ve reached the bookstore and after (in order of importance) swearing, celebrating the continuance of my life and making a mental note to buy some extreme weather clothing before ever leaving the house again, I find myself thinking: “This can’t be normal.” And because I live in environmentally-savvy Portland, this is immediately followed by the act of attributing the situation to global warming. Really, it was amazing how quickly I went from the one thought to the other (especially considering that my brain was still frozen solid). I felt like one of Pavlov’s dogs—you know, the ones that were conditioned to slobber all over the place in response to hearing a bell.

Here’s the question: Is global warming a real threat, or just social propaganda perpetuated by alarmists? Have we been conditioned to respond to a situation before thinking through the facts? Ding!

Lets get to the bottom of this.

According to an article in National Geographic, “What Is Global Warming? The Planet Is Heating Up—and Fast” global warming is caused by the greenhouse effect. No, really? I think most everyone knows that, and does their part in not adding to the crisis…if they have a soul (hey, no judgment). What isn’t so commonly known is that the greenhouse effect is necessary in heating the planet.

Yep, it’s a natural and imperative occurrence. Without the greenhouse effect, Earth would be an average of 60 degrees cooler because all of the heat from the sun would escape into space…and that would be seriously bad, in case you’re wondering. The actual problem and cause of global warming is an excess of greenhouse gases trapping too much heat in the atmosphere. Granted, I found this bit of information fairly easily and I didn’t even have to consult an environmental studies major or anything, but really? Ding!

I feel almost duped. How often are the terms “greenhouse effect” and “global warming” used interchangeably? Just give us the facts without trying to dumb it down. Right? I mean sure, I shouldn’t have to be an environmental studies major in order to understand the information, but a reasonable level of intelligence can be assumed. A five-year-old could comprehend the difference between the terms if explained correctly.

Now, why is it so unbelievably and violently cold here in Portland if we’re experiencing global warming, you ask? Well…you’re not supposed to ask that, because then you’ll find out that the term “global warming” is somewhat misleading. The reality is that when the atmospheric temperature rises, wind and precipitation patterns are altered, so regional weather patterns also change.

Basically, when the temperature way up there in the sky (not literally globally) is too high, everything gets thrown out of whack and some regions actually get colder. Portland is, in my estimation, going to be one of the areas where everyone freezes to death. That’s all you really need to know.

Of course, this information doesn’t clarify whether or not global warming is a real threat. This chill in the air might be part of the natural cycle of environmental change. Apparently, it is normal for the temperatures and types of weather to rotate over a span of hundreds of years. At this point, I feel it is my duty to mention that the same source also used the term “ice age” freely and without remorse. The mean temperature in Portland in January of 1888 was 22 degrees. Tough love, baby.

Question: Is global warming a real threat or just social propaganda perpetuated by alarmists?

My conclusion: Who cares! According to both sides, we’re going to die. However, I figure we might as well embrace the global warming camp, because at least that theory puts us in control.

Question: Have we been conditioned to respond to a situation before thinking through the facts?

My conclusion: There are no facts. Everything is a theory until it actually happens. The global warming issue is definitely a popular social concern, though; and hey, if it causes some people to act in more environmentally conscious ways—great!

In the end, all I can really say is global warming is one hot mess. ?