Papal conclave should elect a gay black Muslim woman

Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to step down from the helm of the Holy See at the end of this month has puzzled many. Indeed, no pope had resigned since the antipope-and-bubonic-plague-afflicted 15th century. The pontiff’s Feb. 11 announcement came as a shock even to his own spokesman.

After all, why should a swingingly single octogenarian at the very pinnacle of his professional field deliberately forfeit the sword of infallible decree regarding matters of Catholic doctrine?

A guy could have a lot of fun with that sword. Were I him, I’d immediately declare that the Host be replaced with bacon and the wine with Old Crow in the celebration of the Eucharist. This would indubitably up the church’s youth appeal.

Maybe the pope is right to cut his losses while he can. The soles of his crimson, tailor-made pope shoes must be worn through from the sex abuse scandals, ill-timed verbal faux pas regarding Islam and massive decline of popular piety in the West. Benedict’s headlong flight into a monastery seems the eminently rational decision.

But, more importantly, the looming pontifical vacancy creates an opportunity to reform the rotting anachronism that is the Roman Catholic Church. In the face of the above challenges, the College of Cardinals can well choose to throw off the church’s stiff-starched stole to expose to the tingling breeze of modernity the Catholic hierarchy’s shriveled, unused underparts.

That is, if they seize the moment and elect a gay black Muslim woman as the new bishop of Rome.

Why a gay black Muslim woman? As the previous two millennia of Western history have adequately demonstrated, the rule of a celibate white Catholic man proves pretty dismal.

We needn’t delve deep into centuries of church history to prove this point: Take the eight-year papacy of Benedict XVI. Afflicted by the diabolical germs of modernity and materialism, Catholic worship has declined precipitously in the West, especially among the young.

But a little-recognized contributing factor to this decline has been the public image of the pope himself. A pinkish Bavarian gnome who affects a love of Mozart and a plodding rhythm of speechification, Benedict is one manifestly boring-ass theological authority. Countering this, a fresh injection of a gay black Muslim woman’s outward flamboyance and rhythmic sensibility into the papacy would stimulate some positive buzz on TMZ.

Furthermore, the current pope lacks the basic competence to run the world’s largest international Ponzi scheme. A head-in-the-stars theologian who spends all his time writing encyclicals on love, lambasting the “dictatorship of relativism” and promoting the revival of the Latin Mass, Benedict never possessed the managerial prowess to keep the denarii rolling into the ecclesiastical coffers. A more worldly and engaged individual as pope, one who’s been down and learned to hustle on the margins—like, say, a gay black Muslim woman—would steer the papal ship of state back toward gilded seas of luxury.

Then there’s the issue of a moribund Catholic ideology. The conservative Benedict has steered Catholicism away from the reformist impulse of the Second Vatican Council, and church doctrine is at the margins of educated opinion. Condoms—sin! Homosexuality—sin! Material self-fulfillment and your weekend kayaking expedition—most unpardonable sin! Surely a gay black Muslim woman pope, drawing upon a vast pan-ideological corpus, will be able to erect the limp, dusty catechism.

Lastly, a gay black Muslim woman pope would significantly expand the church’s natural identity-politics constituency. Consider this most illuminating statistical analysis: If we assume that half of the earth’s population is female, 30 percent is Muslim, 20 percent is black and a further 10 percent is homosexual, the new pope would have the ear of a whopping 110 percent of humanity! By my own estimate, this figure is fully 17 percentage points greater than that commanded by Oprah Winfrey.

So, Catholics, do not lament the reign of Benedict’s passing into history. The time for white celibate Catholic men is well past, but there are far greater bounties awaiting you under a different kind of leadership. By investing a gay black Muslim woman with the papal tiara, the Roman Catholic Church cannot but gain more adherents than there are human beings.