Fellow students, for me graduation day has arrived, to which I say to all of you, “nyah nyah, nyah nyah, nyah.” It only took me seven years, but to date they were by far the most ridiculous years I have lived.
To mark the occasion of graduation, this esteemed newspaper has asked me to look back and impart what little wisdom I may have culled before leaving you all behind forever. I sat down at my desk to document all that I have learned. Much sitting occurred, little documenting did. After some considerable thought and soul-searching, I did discover that I have in fact learned things over the past few years at PSU, just not what I was intended to. So, fellow students of Portland State, here are the 10 tidbits of wisdom I will bestow upon you:
1. Don’t worry about your GPA. Unless you’re going to grad school, hardly anybody cares, and those that do will just assume it was inflated because you went to PSU.
2. Skip class. Hang out with people who have jobs like the one you want instead. It’s a far better use of your time. Chances are, no one will notice you’re gone.
3. Freshman and sophomore inquiries are a tremendous waste of time, but you’re stuck with them as long as magazines keep writing about it being a “program to look for.” So quit whining or find a different school to go to. Learning how to deal with stupid people is a valuable skill.
4. The powers that be at PSU drink at Higgins, so you should too. It makes them uncomfortable. And Higgins has a fantastic Scotch selection.
5. On that note, tip really, really well. This has nothing to do with college or graduation, but just trust me on this one.
6. Take time to have a serious debate with someone about your views on the plight of inter-sexed children in indigenous tribes of socio-economically disadvantaged countries right now. There won’t be anyone who even pretends to care after you graduate.
7. Read those little colored paper schedules posted next to the elevators every day. They tell you where all the free food is. With a little planning, you can eat three solid meals a day for free, and even catch a poetry reading while you’re at it–as long as you never get sick of mini-quiches.
8. “Meeting in solidarity” is another way of saying “standing around being completely ignored.”
9. Because you didn’t go to a residential school, you missed out on a lot, and I do mean a lot, of no-strings-attached sex. Too bad, huh? But hey, there’s always grad school!
10. Those U of O and OSU kids might look down their noses at you, but you can score way, way better drugs than them. For that, they secretly envy you.