Party at the White House

Consider, for a moment, the history of the American president. He’s been everything from a divorced B-movie star with early-onset Alzheimer’s (good old Ronnie Reagan) to an upper-class, philandering, over-privileged, alcoholic Ivy Leaguer (all of them). Now, what requirements do we have for our presidents?

When we look to history, it’s clear. They must be white males, Protestant (Kennedy only served three years) and straight.

With that last requisite, we happen upon a delightful piece of trivia. According to a recent Gallup poll, 55 percent of Americans would willingly elect a gay president. Another poll shows that only 34 percent support gay marriage. This brings us to an ideological quandary. Twenty-one percent of Americans would elect a gay president, but turn him away from the altar.

Who are these peculiarly principled souls? What do they want? Let us assume for a moment that this discrepancy comes not from confusion, but from deep intellectual complexity. These advanced individuals surmise that a gay commander in chief (the Army doesn’t ask, he doesn’t tell) shouldn’t be bothered by the frustrations of a husband.

A First Man might shock the nation, but a First Harem–stocked entirely with chiseled male chests–will add comfort to a nation flustered by the wave of healthy gay couples which has led to the impeccably dressed downfall of San Francisco, not to mention the utterly disconcerting tolerance of the greater Portland area.

While a First Man inevitably leads to a fabulously accessorized Oval Office, a First Harem lends itself to spectacular photo-ops.

Closeted Evangelicals would finally have an in to be out. Rev. Ted Haggard would never leave the building. Historians would rejoice in the endless connections to ancient Greece. Mormons could finally return to the glorious days of polygamy.

In the eyes of these visionaries, the president can (and possibly should) have as much gay sex as his heavy heart desires. He can, every evening, kiss, fondle and grope a different sweaty male concubine in the Lincoln Bedroom–apt, if you know your history.

This may be nothing new. Statistics suggest that 10 percent of people are homosexual. We have had 43 presidents. In theory, 4.3 chief executives have been gay–0.3, you ask? Did you ever take a really close look at Martha Washington? Case in point.

Promiscuous gay sex raises no alarm. But if the president finds himself in a committed, loving relationship, we suddenly have a problem.

The American public holds no repute of rationality. We elected George W. Bush twice. California elected a governor who said on camera that lifting weights brings him to orgasmic heights and who has, in our estimation, groped half the state. Our nation’s capitol chose a mayor who was subsequently convicted of smoking crack in a hotel with a cut-rate prostitute. After he served his six-month sentence, they tore off his orange jump suit and re-elected him to city hall.

Obviously, our standards are pretty low. But odder than America’s electoral idiosyncrasy is our seemingly endless need to persecute. First, it was blacks and women. Then it was just women. Today, the last accepted form of discrimination is homophobia.

A paltry third of our country has transcended antiquated dogma to affirm equal rights for all. As nation after nation moves beyond old prejudices, America apparently remains stuck in Salem, circa 1692. Even our beer-swilling neighbors to the north accept gay marriage. Can we allow Canada to champion freedom before us?

We have strayed from our ideals.

We founded this nation on the essential tenets of liberty, justice and equality. We have lit the world on fire for two centuries. We inspired democratic revolution across the globe. Equality is our guiding force and savior. When we abandon it, we abandon our national identity. We lose what makes America great.

When the Supreme Court struck down anti-miscegenation laws in Loving v. Virginia, Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote, “The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men.” This leaves little room for doubt. Marriage is an inalienable right. All deserve it; none can be exempt. We must correct this injustice, return to our roots and welcome every American to the protecting embrace of the U.S. Constitution.

We look forward to the First Harem, but the first legal gay couple will be quite a comfort.