Please me

While I am no sexpert, I do know a thing or two about being in long stretches of time without anyone to comfort some of my needs. Or, perhaps, I should say things, as this is a list of resources to utilize when you want to expand your horizons beyond the KY, hand lotion or couch cushions for sexual gratification without having to search out another warm body.

Here are some options:

The Fifi:
Leave it up to my criminal friends from MacLaren Youth Correctional Facility to provide me with some insight on this invention. Showing resourcefulness on a very limited supply, the Fifi is a craft project for the bored and horny.

According to www.ubersite.com, an expert on absolutely nothing, here’s how to make a Fifi:

1. You will need: a rubber medical glove, a towel, a sock, some lube and a lot of imagination.
2. Soak the towel in hot water (for sensation) and wring out the excess water so that the towel isn’t dripping.
3. Lay the towel out flat.
4. Place the glove onto the bottom left corner of the towel so that a little of the wrist hole of the glove is hanging over the bottom of the towel. Fold the tail of the towel over.
5. Roll the glove up in the towel.
6. Put the rolled up towel into the sock.
7. Fold the wrist of the glove over the towel.
8. Lube up the glove.
9. Fuck the glove.
10. Rinse.
11. Repeat.

Also be mindful, it is apparently bad prison etiquette to borrow your cellmate’s Fifi without asking.

The RealTouch:
Next item on the list has been endorsed by none other than bona fide sexpert himself, Dan Savage, of the column “Savage Love” in Seattle’s The Stranger. The RealTouch is a sex toy for men, gay or straight, which, based on a description by its manufacturers, can stimulate the sensations of twats, asses and mouths.

According to Savage, it can be plugged into a computer and synced up with porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down, grips, whatever, in time with the speeding up, slowing down, gripping and whatever that you’re watching on the screen. Hot virtual sex while watching hot virtual sex! Oh how I loves me technology.

Mypleasure.com sex toys:
But what about the ladies? MyPleasure.com has a variety of sex toys aimed at women. Yet, for some reason, which I cannot explain (well, I can, but I choose not to), My Pleasure’s Violet Rapture stuck out based on its positive customer reviews and its three-in-one hands-free action for direct clitoral, vaginal and anal stimulation. 

The quote that goes with the product, as corny as it may be, is also enticing: “If she craves individuality, give her an exclusive vibrator that’s out of this world!” It is marketed to a “unique individual” because, apparently, if you wanted to be stimulated in three different ways at once, you are quite an oddity. I don’t buy that. Who wouldn’t want to be stimulated three ways at once? And it’s a bargain at $29.95–that comes out to less than 10 bucks for each stimulant!

Sexbots:
And, finally, leave it up to Japan and a few nerds at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands to be on the frontier of researching artificial intelligence as an entity for sexual gratification. The future is almost here and you can experience it with your very own sexbot.

While something out of Cherry 3000 or A.I. may not be available as of late, as the technology hasn’t quite caught up with the fantasy, at least in the meantime you can join customer community sites (or just that one lonely guy) at Amazon.com devoted to the idea of sexbot creation.

With booklists including the Robot Builder’s Sourcebook and Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships, you are sure to gain some perspective until your robot mate comes through UPS to your home one of these days.