While experience may tell you otherwise, according to a Princeton Review and Men’s Fitness survey, Portland State is the fifth fattest college in the United States. If this bothers you, follow these eight helpful bits of advice to health and or apathy.
1. Do things.
Doing things burns calories. There are always things to do. Do whatever you can wherever you are. If possible, walk or bike to school instead of driving. Walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Walk to the store instead of driving there. In short: exercise, but don’t call it "exercise." Enjoy sexual intercourse. If that is an impossibility, masturbate. Think about how you’re not having actual sex with someone else, get angry, and masturbate all the more furiously.
2. Eat real, actual food, but avoid certain things.
While starvation may help you lose weight quickly, it is not a long-term solution. If you plan to live for an extended period of time, eat food. Unfortunately, some food that should be good for you is not.
Since the eternal laws of the market cause businesses to pursue profit maximization above all else, businesses must cut costs in all possible ways. Sometimes they simply put those costs onto others – whole communities, countries, continents, and future generations.
And so it is with our oceans and the seafood contained therein. Businesses have found it easy discarding toxic waste there, where there are no people. The oceans are so polluted with mercury that pregnant women are advised to avoid eating fish, which had been one of the healthiest foods on earth, because it could poison the fetus with mercury.
The world’s leading business magazine, The Economist, says that when pregnant women lack sufficient omega-3 fatty acids, the essential nutrients of fish, she “puts her child at greater risk of being stupid, clumsy and friendless.” A lack of omega-3 can harm adults as well. Consuming enough omega-3 can reduce feelings of anger in adults. “Omega-3 fatty acids are a crucial component of a healthy diet,” the magazine concludes.
Dr. Joseph Mercola, whose web site Mercola.com is one of the most visited natural and general health web sites (behind only WebMD.com, the National Institutes of Health and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention sites), says you can still obtain omega-3 fatty acids without the mercury. He recommends fish oil (in the warm months) and cod liver oil (in the cool months).
If you must eat at school, avoid purchasing anything in the Smith Memorial Student Union. If you must eat at school, go to Food For Thought, where the selections range from tasteless to delightfully undelicious.
Ideally you would cook your own food, and use only the freshest of fruits and vegetables. But what if you’re too lazy?
3) Send your roommate to culinary school.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a chef in the house? Why not send your roommate to chef school?
4) Trick your roommate into going to culinary school.
The cost of sending your roommate to chef school might seem inordinate. The solution is to trick your roommate into going there herself. Compliment her cooking, with an exaggerated honesty, and boost her confidence level. Remind her that going to a liberal arts college will lead her nowhere, and strategically place the Western Culinary Institute’s brochures around the house, and thus allow your roommate to discover her new and exciting career.
5) Join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Joining the Church will help you get into Brigham Young University, which the survey ranked as the fittest college in the U.S., where most students "adopt a wholesome Mormon lifestyle." Once there, you can study the LDS holy book, which "encompasses all truth and affirms the full range of human modes of knowing," according to the BYU’s Statement on Academic Freedom.
The Princeton Review also ranked BYU as the top "Stone-Cold Sober School," the school with the most religious students, and the fifth "Most Nostalgic for Ronald Reagan." Enjoy.
6) Create the world with words.
For the study, all the Princeton Review did was ask us how many pounds we’ve gained since starting at PSU, how often we work out, how we would rate the fitness facilities on campus, and whether or not the school appears to care about how fit we are.
If the Princeton Review’s findings bother you, there’s an easy fix for next time: lie.
7) Drop out of PSU, but remain in Portland.
According to Men’s Fitness and the Princeton Review, Portland State is the fifth fattest college in the country. However, according to a Men’s Fitness 2005 study, Portland is the sixth fittest city in the country. The moment you drop out of PSU you go from probable college fatty to slim and slender urbanite.
As a "Fit City" Men’s Fitness says Portland “has an abundance of parks, forests, hiking trails, and fitness centers for the health-conscious at heart,” with “exactly 314 days of exercise-friendly weather per year.”
8) Ignore the Princeton Review and Men’s Fitness study.
If today is one of our exactly 51 days of exercise-unfriendly weather, you may want to simply ignore the study, which surveyed fewer than 10,000 students at more than 660 colleges. That averages fewer than 15.15 students per school. Declare the study bogus, and carry on with your day.