Put it in your mouth?

Otter Pops
Quick Freeze Freezer Pops
The Jel Sert Co.

Which one should I make-out with, Strawberry Short Kook or LittleOrphan Orange? They’re both gorgeous, but like, super chill. WillAlexander the Grape be jealous? He and Kook broke up forever ago. Ihope Poncho Punch or Louie-Bloo Raspberry don’t feel slighted- it’snothing personal. I know Sir Isaac Lime could give a shit. Hmm. Igotta go with Short Kook. She’s pretty in pink, and besides, Lil’Orphan Orange has all those abandonment issues.

These are summer decisions that have to be made. Life is roughand it’d be most unbearable without sugary refreshment of OtterPops.

“Aren’t those basically just frozen Kool-Aid sticks?” youask.

Well, no. There’s one major differencetry as you might it’snearly impossible to lace Otter Pops with acid. They also have acast of characters from around the globe who’ve gone on to form amusic group (they play pop, duh). I guess everyone really is in aband.

Otter Pops have reached the level of cult status here in theStates (see photo). They’re kind of the Pabst Blue Ribbon of frozensnacks, the Bruce Campbell of popsicles, the “Blow-Up” of dessert.They’re hater-proof, hater repellent, 100% hater free. Did Imention that they’re fucking delicious? Freddy Meyer’s has 100packs on sale, two boxes for $7, all summer long. Get ’em whilethey’re cold.

Jerky Chew
Tillamook Country Smoker
Gross, right? Shredded cow innards dried, canned, and eventuallydip lipped? Very redneck. Very tasty. This stuff made my vegetarianfriend cry. Seriously. I suppose she just looked at the tiny canand thought about that poor pathetic cow all ground up and packedinto a hockey puckshaped container, fit up for consumption, and shejust lost it. She cried for that cow- shed tears for humanity, forcowmanity. She balled. Jerky chew is that powerful.

Are you supposed to spit jerky chew? This entire meat dip thingis confusing. If you were supposed to spit, there would be littlecow carcass wads littering the streets and softball diamonds ofOregon. There are not so, I think you’re supposed to swallow.

Tillamook Country Smoker’s website claims that their meatproduct is “The beef jerky that won the west!” What does that mean?That’s …what? I mean ridiculous. So that’s how the west was won?The pioneers beefjerked the Indians to death. Tatonka.

Tillamook also makes Beef Steak nuggets, meat sticks, andsausage- which are the grossest words in the English language orGerman language or whatever. Beef Steak nuggets? Yuckers. Availableat Plaid Pantry next to the Enquirer.

Six-Foot Long Party Sub
I got this carb torpedo for my birthday party a few weeks back andit was the best idea I never had. It’s actually about five-feetlong and is terribly over priced ($60?), but goddamn if it can’tfeed a small village. The Red Cross should air-drop these meatybeasts all over the Third World. Subs not bombs, bro. Soup kitchen?Sub kitchen.

One problem with the six-foot bread bridge is that no one in thehistory of sandwich cuisine has ever ordered the same exact Subwayas someone else. They’re six inch snowflakes-each unique. So whenyou order you want to go with friendly meat, like turkey, on whitebread with generic veggies and dressing- no steak, jalapenos, orrosemary vinaigrette. Keep it simple. And remember that blackolives taste like butt.

Every gathering benefits from the power tower. In isolated casesyou may find a Subway hater amongst your group. Fuck ’em. More foryou. If you can’t find a Subway nearby you aren’t looking hardenough.

What would Jared do? Sprinkle on some jerky chew forflavoring.