Listen, I’m not your personal trainer.
I can’t hover over you at every waking hour telling you what you should and shouldn’t eat.
I can’t roll you out of bed in the morning and fix you a healthy breakfast and usher you off to school, waving as you go.
I also can’t be the one that you call up at 1 a.m. when the stress of finals has finally broken you and you’re ramming Hot Pockets down your throat in a desperate attempt to feel again.
I can’t do those things because you need to those things for yourself. Unfortunately, if you’ve put on a few pounds over the course of your college career, only you can shed them. But don’t be afraid, because I’ve got some helpful tips to lose the chub.
I’ll leave those with you, and in the meantime I’m going to go look up the difference between a personal trainer and a sitcom mom.
Actually, really go to the Rec Center
Did you know Portland State has an enormous recreation center? It’s the building that’s attached to Café Yum. Yeah, that one. You should really check it out sometime, as there are all sorts of great things like weight and cardio machines, a swimming pool and courts for sports.
That’s not even taking into account the huge number of classes and groups that meet at the center. You can learn everything from fencing to yoga, and if you don’t know where to start you can always apply for a personal trainer. The prices are a steal compared to nearly any other gym in town.
Use smaller bowls
One of the biggest hurdles to losing weight is going to be your own brain. Sure, it’s got you this far, but it also wants to eat all the Thin Mints, so you’re going to have to do a little mental training on top of the physical stuff.
Do little things around the house, like buying some smaller bowls. There’s a lot of science behind this little exercise, but I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. You have smaller bowls, you’re likely to keep your portions in check and eat less.
Overeating is, after all, one of the biggest weight gain culprits.
Get freaky
Fuckin’ is way cool, but did you know you also burn a pretty significant number of calories while you’re goin’ down on the clown? It’s true.
A half-hour freak session can burn upward of 100 calories, and probably more if you’re into the weird stuff. So get out there and show everyone what you’re made of in a totally consensual way and—oh my god—please don’t be weird with this information.
Stop chuggin’ that sugar drank
I like a sweet drink as much as the next person, but I recently had to cut coffee out of my diet and replace it with tea. Why? Because I can stand the taste of tea without sweeteners and other fattening additions.
If you lay the sugar on thick in any one of your daily caffeinated beverages, now might be a good time to reconsider. And if you’re trying to lose weight, now is a good time to disassociate yourself from energy drinks and your crazy Starbucks frappa-whatever-the-hell.
The best way to stay energized is to have a healthy workout routine and drink lots of water. I would suggest that, but we’re both in the same horrible cabal called college and know how utterly unlikely culling caffeine would be.
Be realistic
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s just something you have to accept. These, and all other weight loss tips, are going to take time to kick in. But consider this: You won’t see results if you don’t start now.