Here comes Valentine’s Day—which is, behind Christmas, the most useless holiday to mar the calendar. It’s a day to celebrate…love. Now, it’s been said that love is a special kind of stupid. And Valentine’s Day brings out the stupid in a large number of people, and those dolts will be taking their parade of idiocy out for a night on the town this weekend.
There will be a mass of couples lined up, hand-in-hand, heading out on dates and basking in the glowing light of sweet love and communal adoration. Oh, and the romance flicks will flood the theaters—a few tear-jerkers, feel-good rom-coms and one or two slightly-raunchy-yet-cute ones for the men too insecure in their masculinity but still want/have to do something for the holiday.
Here, let me save you the ticket money: They’re either opposites or so much alike yet they can’t see it—like childhood friends or something. Some event will throw them together, and there will be a few moments where they notice a thing or two rather sweet about the other. But oh no, something comes along and causes quite a rough patch—usually the man’s fault. But no worries, the guy will do something daring and so fuck-off romantic, and said daring event will most likely involve scenes of frantically running about—set to the tune of whatever pop song paid enough to get the extra promotion. This will cause the gal to run into his arms and move on to some scene where they drive, walk or fly away into a happy ending. For the record, John Cusack did it the best, and with only a boom box.
Then there’s the dinner, which won’t be at the place you want to go to, because everyone smarter than you already made reservations a year in advance. So you either have to get creative, or go to the insanely expensive place. Don’t bother brainstorming; you’re going to pick the latter. You’ll both order salads, but you will still have to take a loan out just to pay for them.
And what is Valentine’s Day without the gift? You guys do know you’re supposed to give a gift, right? Even if the significant other says it’s not a big deal.
Here’s a tip—the gift really has nothing to do with how intimate or relevant it is to your significant other. Rather, it basically comes down to how expensive it is. Of course, expensive gifts that can be worn, such as necklaces or earrings, go over especially well, as they can be shown off a lot easier. Now, I know I told you that intimate knowledge of your partner doesn’t really matter for gifts, but it can help you know what kind of necklace or expensive something-or-other to get. Believe me, you don’t want to deal with the conversation about how thoughtless you are for forking over all that cash and time into a gold necklace when you should know she only wears white gold—you insensitive bastard. In the end, just know that the more money you lose, the happier they will be.
Chocolates are okay, but be aware that this sweet and cute gift is more of a supplemental gift to a bigger one, and can’t stand on its own. Maybe if someone comes out with a box of chocolates where everything inside doesn’t taste like shit, this rule could be amended.
It’s sad, but it all basically comes down to recreating a romantic Kay Jewelers commercial. You know, the commercials that actually shatter any sense of gender equality while shamelessly setting back any feminist progress a few decades. Kay Jewelers apparently believes that all women are pitifully dependent upon men, and are also terrified of thunder. Their commercials might as well just say, “Every kiss begins with ‘K’…and so does kitchen, so get her a new diamond necklace to thank her for all the work she does in there. It ain’t easy being a baby-maker, after all.”
What? It’s Valentine’s Day—a consumer holiday. So don’t kid yourself thinking it was going to hold some sort of affectionate connotation. If there ever was a holiday that illustrates that love equals nothing more than money, this is it. ?