Rant & Rage: The Portland we know and love

Well it’s all over now, Portland. The good times in our favorite big-city with a small-town feel are done for. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

Some time ago the New York Times started telling everyone about us and what we are up to out here—our food carts, our coffee, our eccentric love of recycling. Then came the television shows and movies to our town, giving Hollywood a glimpse into our awesomeness. It was nice when no one knew about our city and just passed it off as Seattle’s rainy younger sibling, but now the hordes of late-comers have started to arrive.

People like the girls I encountered on the MAX today are all recent transplants to the hip city they heard so much about, asking the locals about the ins-and-outs of Portland. Their interests clearly directed them downtown. I was just about to interject in the conversation and let these gals know what-was-what in our city when I heard them say, “You know the people in Portland are really very fashionable, but the people in Colorado are so much more attractive. Where are all the attractive people here?”

This is a problem. This is not the first time I have run into this brand of visitor/transplant and I feel I keep running into more and more of them. You know the types. The people who come to town and pass right over Powell’s Books, and just want to know where the Barnes and Noble is. Or they want to go to an authentic Portland brewery—after all, we are known for our love of beer out here—and they end up sitting down at the Rock Bottom.

I know the city is facing an expected increase in population over the coming years, but will this come at a price? Will the city devolve into a mass of H&M-seeking fashionistas, paying hundreds of dollars on skinny jeans and anything with Che Guevara’s face on it, while pouring their money into Starbucks rather than the plethora of local coffee shops? If we don’t do something soon, this city won’t be Portland anymore—it will become (gulp) Beaverton. Or worse, ugh…it will become Gresham.

So let’s make a deal. We all know where the real Portland is. The part of the city that really kicks ass and we all love, is on the eastside of the river. So for now on, anyone who asks where the hot spots are in town, let’s all tell them to just go to the Pearl district. That area has been suffering economically lately anyway, so I am sure the businesses down there would appreciate it. Let these newbies pay their dues by paying overpriced rent at overrated apartments and lofts.

And if they absolutely must go to the eastside, let’s all agree to tell them that the only thing happening out there is the Ikea and its surrounding strip malls filled with Best Buys and Targets. That should keep them busy, while also giving them the opportunity to ride that famous and amusing attraction we have called the MAX—you know that thing we all use to get to work and they use like a carnival ride.

In the mean time, we can enjoy our city and its little neighborhoods in peace. We can go to breakfast on the eastside…waiting in lines until lunchtime to get seated. We can go to our authentic craft breweries…that all basically only brew IPA. And we can sip coffee in our comfy corner cafes…which all only serve Stumptown. ?