Santa Claus means something different to everyone. From childhood demigod to big fat phony, most anyone you ask has an opinion on the big man during this time of the season. Part of the reason we see so many different varieties of the jolly old elf is that so many versions of Santa exist. Let’s look at just a few of the St. Nick variants jingling around this year.
Miles Sanguinetti
Drunken santa: The name says it all.
Bad Economy Santa
The last few years have been rough on retail Santas: Opportunities are down thanks to the lousy job market, but the demand from kids with parents who’ve lost half their 401k remains sky-high. 2012 Santas are a little more haggard, a little more droopy-eyed.
Listless and defeated, Bad Economy Santa has even stopped caring about that persistent urine stain left on the knee of his pants by excited children. Do this guy a favor and hand him a cold PBR next time you see him.
Dad Santa
He’s not fooling anyone. That guy with the nylon beard and the pillow under his coat is most definitely your dad. Even the deep voice he uses for “Santa” is just like the voice he used for Gandalf when he read The Hobbit to you when you were 7.
Humor him, though—there might be a few angsty teenage years in the interim, but eventually you’ll be thankful you had such a goofy and thoughtful father.
Ironic Hipster Santa
From Alberta to Hawthorne to the Pearl, there’s no shortage of sizable beards in Portland. Every year, a select few choose to cultivate their facial forests in order to make a “statement” about Christmas.
Aside from the somewhat-festive pairing of red flip-flops with a white belt, his Goodwill Santa cap stands alone as the only traditional Yuletide attire. His unkempt brown-red beard is a holdover from Movember, which itself was just an extension of the same lumberjack costume he dons every Halloween.
Ironic Hipster Santa will tell anyone who’ll listen that Christmas is just a marketing sham that betrays its pagan roots (leave it to Christmas to get this staunch atheist to finally defend religion). Ironic Hipster Santa will vehemently deny being a hipster at all—before inevitably transforming into Dad Santa later in life.
Ambiguously Homeless Santa
These are close to not being Santas at all. It’s really hard to tell. Does the yellowing around the mouth of his beard represent the last vestiges of natural color on a middle-aged man? Or is it just some mystery face grime?
What’s in that dirty green backpack from the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics? Toys for all the good girls and boys or a couple of half-empty bottles of Olde English? Are the off-tune Christmas carols he sings alone on the MAX endearing or frightening? Why does it feel like we already know the answers to these questions?