Sauces for the bosses

Everyone has a few personality quirks that their friends don’t entirely understand. Some folks like to ride their bicycles down precarious hills in the dark (damn Zoobombers), and others feel that feet are the sexiest part of the human body. These are peculiarities that make a personality dance amid the doldrums of congruency, traits that offer uniqueness against conformity.

Most people, however, have an eccentricity that pertains to dining, be they vegans, fans of Fear Factor foods (bull testicles and that ilk) or spiceheads. Spiceheads are those among us who jump at the chance to sear their tongues with foods intended not for nourishment, but excitement. We enjoy the light tingle of jalapeños and revel in the slow burn of habaneros, and we feel vaguely superior to anyone who thinks that a cayenne is too much.

As the Vanguard’s resident spicehead, I felt it my duty to bring spicy sauces into this year’s Dining Guide. To give you some context, A1 Bold and Spicy is a sweetener to me, Huy Fong’s Sriracha is where spicy territory starts and the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin’ sauce is the midpoint between zero spice and just-kill-me-now spice.

Why am I a spicehead, you may ask? The answer is: the feeling of satisfaction that comes with putting mind over matter, and the rush of endorphins that follow a fiery, taste-bud blitzkrieg is wonderful. The bragging rights aren’t much, because most people can’t be bothered to feel inferior to someone who can out-spice them.

I didn’t feel like bragging after eating Salvador Molly’s Great Balls of Fire, supposedly Portland’s spiciest dish (that award actually belongs to Baan Thai’s drunken noodles cooked at full heat). Rather, I just felt proud of myself for finishing three of them…and then, a few hours later, my lower intestine and colon teamed up to kick my ass—literally—like a pair of bookies beating down someone who owes big.

I’ve enjoyed a few Dave’s Gourmet products in my spicehead career, and their Insanity Sauce is a great litmus test for how much heat one can handle. I ordered their variety pack for this guide, comprising 12 tiny bottles (0.75 ounces each) of their top sellers, and brought them to the office for my coworkers’ sampling delight.

Sadly, the spice factor was not high enough for most of the sauces. I had to scrap my initial idea of seeing how far up the spice ladder the Vanguard editors could climb, and instead we just tried each of the sauces atop Mission tortilla chips and Nabisco saltine crackers.

Despite the lack of spice, there were some tasty offerings in the variety pack, and the quotable nature of our taste test was undeniable. Check out Dave’s Gourmet online at www.davesgourmet.com, and—if you’re daring enough—order one of their Insanity Sauce varieties.

Enjoy the results of our saucy silliness!

QUOTES: 

Ginger Peach: “It’s like the Fuzzy Navel of hot sauces.” —Theo

Roasted Garlic: “This is the best-tasting one. I hope you don’t mind that I keep using it.” —Rich

Roasted Red Pepper: “It’s smoky, then just flat…oh, there’s some kick! Nope, it’s gone again.” —Virginia

Scotch Bonnet: “Does this actually have Scotch in it? [tastes it] Ugh, no, but it definitely has vinegar.” ¬—Zach

Chillin’ Chipotle: “This tastes like a wet dog around a campfire…and the dog has gas.” —Rich
Cool Cayenne Pepper: “It doesn’t smell spicy. [tastes it] Oh, that’s awful!” —Jennifer

Hurtin’ Jalapeño: “This is the jalapeño one? Does it have any jalapeños? Because I don’t taste any.” —Robert Britt

Crazy Caribbean: “This sauce is not spicy, mon. Tastes OK though…It’d be a good marinade.” —Rich

Jammin’ Jerk: “It’s kind of aromatic and herbal, but with some kick to it. It’d go great with chicken.” —Theo

Hysterical Habanero: “Come on, this can’t be habanero. It’s nowhere near spicy enough.” —Virginia

Temporary Insanity was the only truly spicy one of the dozen, and it is blended to be similar to the original Insanity Sauce without as long a burn. Everyone who tried it was unhappy afterward, leading to some awesome quotes.

Theo: “My whole body hurts and it’s like the apocalypse in my mouth. Fuck this sauce.”

Virginia: “This is the devil’s semen.”

Jennifer: [after Zach tried it with no warning] “Oh my gosh! He turned a color no human should!”