Seeing Stars Horoscope

Aries (March 21 – April 20) Marlon Brando

Aries, you can take a lot away from corpulent fellow ram MarlonBrando, and there would still be plenty to go around. Passion forlife is one thing, but one must never use it as an excuse forindulgence.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) George Lucas

You, much like Star Wars creator George Lucas, have a drivenintegrity when it comes to your art. With the release of the newStar Wars DVDs and the upcoming last installment in the series, Ithink now would be a good time to reflect on your stubborn ways. Isyour art really that good, or do you have some sort vibrating JarJar Binks shoved up your ass?

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) John Wayne

Looks like you won big this time around, “Duke.” The spirit ofthe jingoistic, single-minded American pioneer is alive and strong.So circle those wagons, Gemini, and revel in your safe bigotry.Better hope the enemy isn’t driving tanks.

Cancer (June22 – July 22) United States of America

Man, sucks to be you.

Leo (July 23 – August 23) Bill Clinton

Your fellow Leo is in trouble with the ladies again. Rumor hasit that this time an ex-girlfriend is suing him. Man, you Leos havesomething that the opposite sex loves. Just try to be a littlegentler in your ways. Oh, and come back as president, please.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22) Michael Jackson

What is there to say about your star mate, super freak MichaelJackson, that hasn’t been said more eloquently by Eminem? I knowit’s mean to kick someone while they’re down, Virgo, but seriously,if you can’t take the heat, quit being such a fucking freak.

Libra (September 23 – October 23) Tim Robbins

What’re you going to do now, super-liberal? Take a lesson fromthe captain of PC Tim Robbins. He always had something to saybefore, but where is he now that the hard work needs to done?Libra, don’t let b-list celebrities write checks your butt can’tcash.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) Tara Reid

Here’s a lesson to learn from fellow Scorpio Ms. Reid. If youfind yourself lacking for press because your once-brilliant careeris screeching to a halt, just have a little “accidental” publicnudity at a huge event, such as Puff Daddy’s birthday bash, forinstance. Ha! Ha! I see your boob!

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) Fallujah

Everyone’s fighting over you right now, Sagittarius. It mustfeel pretty good. I’m worried, however, that despite what they’resaying, neither side is on the up and up. Be careful with yoursuitors. Keep those knees pressed tight.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Tiger Woods

Things are looking good for you, Capricorn. Much like TigerWoods, you’re proving that you were worth all the hype. He’s greaton the golf course; where are you great?

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19) Bob Marley

I never thought I’d say this, but the world needs a little BobMarley right about now. I always thought pedestrian reggae and fratboys were the lowest we could sink. I was wrong. Look to Bob thisweek, Aquarius, and roll your own.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20) Paul Reubens

Pee-Wee’s back: new DVDs, new scripts and all the press thatentails. Press for Paul Reubens is a sketchy thing, though, becauseinevitably it’ll go away from Pee-Wee Herman and concentrate on hisporn-related arrests. Seriously (and this is for you too, Mr.Reubens), don’t be afraid of your past, Pisces. Be ashamed.