Aries March 21-April20
Aries, you share your unfortunate cosmic fate with Secretary ofState Colin Powell and like Powell you share the karmic woes ofyour role. Maybe you are the only honest person in theadministration but, dupe or not, you still helped make thedecisions that created this mess. Be a man this week, Aries. Quitmaking excuses and admit you made a mistake. Then say you’re sorry.I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way you’ll ever be free.
Taurus April 21-May21
Taurus, you and your starmate David Beckham have more than onething in common, the least of which is that YOU ARE FINE! Takeadvantage like the OG metrosexual himself and get some play. Sowhat if you have a Spicegirl at home – you are the hottest thing onthe planet. You owe it to all of us to get as much tail as humanlypossible, Wilt Chamberlin style. Do it for the kids, they look upto you.
Gemini May 22-June21
Much like your fellow Gemini, Morrissey, you are a tough nut tocrack, my friend. People are split. Some respect your mysteriousnature. In fact they adore it and identify with it. Others thinkyou’re nothing but a posturing diva – your pretense embarrassesthem. Still others feel sorry for you (particularly after your lastalbum). Stay true, Gemini, and don’t let them sway you. You’ll findyour way despite the world’s opinions. You are a light that nevergoes out.
Cancer June 22-July22
Guess who is 18? That’s right, another Cancer, Lindsey Lohan. Youand she have been keeping something from all of us, what many feelis your best asset. I know you think falling back is selling outbut really, Cancer, you have something special to share with us andnow is the time. C’mon, coward, show me your tits.
Leo July 23-August23
You have had some real success recently Leo, and much like yourlionized counterpart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, you’ve used thatsuccess to your advantage. Don’t rest on those laurels anymore, myfeline friend. Now is the time to forget past glories and reallyget something done. You’ve got it in you, and all the morons inCalifornia agree.
Virgo August24-September 22
Your fellow Virgo Ms. Cameron Diaz is in a little trouble. Seemsher capricious youth is catching up to her in the form of a nastylittle sex tape. Unlike the divine Ms. Diaz I suggest you don’t tryto hide from your kinky past. Pinch those nipples and tell theworld everything, because like it or not we’ll all find outeventually.
Libra Sep 23-October23
Much like another Libra we’ll call Sting, you have had a headypast. You’ve transitioned well from angry youth to balanced adult.Your adult peers love your new accomplishments and the youth canstill relate to your timeless past. Well done, Libra. Way tohomogenize yourself for your image. SNORE.
Scorpio October24-November 22
Guess who you share the cosmos with Scorpio? Former teen screamLeonardo Dicaprio!
Guess what else you have in common? You both had to play aretard to achieve fleeting success! You should take thisopportunity Scorpio to take a long look at yourself in the mirror.Is that who you want to be? It’s never to late to stand up and bethe person you were meant to be. Don’t dumb down any more, myfriend. Your talents transcend that.
Sagittarius November23-December 21
Look to your comrade in the sky, John Kerry, for inspiration thisweek, Sag. He is in the difficult position of being the only thingthat can save the country. And he’s loving it. It’s the role he wasborn to play. Be courageous like John Kerry, Sagittarius – marry arich woman.
Capricorn December22-January 20
Just like Capricorn fantasy novelist J.R.R. Tolkien, you arefinding your popularity renewed by a fat man who loves hobbits. Myadvice is give yourself over to it. Sure no one likes a fat man tousher them into the spotlight, but isn’t a fat man’s spotlightbetter than no spotlight at all? Take it from a fat man whoknows.
Aquarius January 21to February 19
Ellen Degeneres has finally found her niche. She’s no longer just afunny lesbian, now she’s a funny talk show host who just happens tobe a lesbian. Get what I’m saying, Aquarius? You don’t have todefine yourself by your most obvious feature. You can be anythingyou want without denying yourself. You can even be as vapid asRegis.
Pisces February 20March 20
Just like your Pisces counterpart Jeri Ryan, you have incrediblepower. You know secrets and what they can do. Jeri’s secrets ruinedthe political career of a Republican. To that I say, “Well done, mybuxom yet talentless friend.” Tell me, Pisces, whose life are yougoing to ruin?