Seth Rogen’s naughty bits

Fuck! Shit! Bitch!

Are you offended yet? If so, turn away.

Still here? OK. How about this…

Cocks! Cunts! Cum!

For those of you that are left after that barrage of expletives, you may just be the target audience for Kevin Smith’s new film, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, wherein those words and more like them make appearance, after appearance, after appearance with about as much humor as the jokes currently circling around middle-school playgrounds across the nation.

What has two thumbs and loves blowjobs? I can’t remember, but this movie sure does suck.

Now I, and many others, find offensiveness very funny at times. But it takes more than just showing someone get their face shit on (yes, this happens in the movie. Spoiler alert!) to make us laugh. The act itself, whether it’s shitting, falling down or swearing, isn’t the joke. There has to be a ramification, a humorous response, a unique spin, anything.

Where is the Kevin Smith that made Dogma, or Chasing Amy? Lost in his own legend, no doubt, as the hotshot young independent moviemaker who isn’t scared of offending as long as he makes you laugh and think.

Well, he hasn’t been that person for many years, and while he still has shades of a good comic writer and director, he also needs to learn to reign himself in and give us something new. And jokes about vibrators and porno are not the way to do it.

Zach and Miri is a failed attempt at creating a Judd Apatow-like mix of low comedy and improbable romance between a shlub and a hottie. It’s tired when Apatow does it, and it’s even worse when Kevin Smith gives it a go.

The film attempts to distract us with its gleefully offensive exterior so we won’t be bored stiff by its agonizingly routine sitcom (sans porno) plot. Think Jersey Girl, but with boobs, butts and one surprising penis.

Seth Rogen is Zach, and Elizabeth Banks is Miri, two best friends and roommates who survive their bland lives only because of their unique and platonic bond. But they have a problem. Their unpaid bill stack is about to topple over, and one by one, their utilities start shutting off.

What to do? Well, make a porno, starring themselves and a cast of “wacky” misfits, obviously.

I’m willing to suspend disbelief in most movies, as long as they are true to the world they create. Kevin Smith is trying to give us two honest, true to life characters that we can relate to–albeit ones who live in a heightened comic reality–who end up lapsing halfway through the film into Ross and Rachel from Friends.

Oh, please let them just learn to love each other! Can’t they see they are perfect for each other!? I wonder what will happen!?!?

Did you realize that having sex with your best friend when you haven’t so much as kissed them will forever alter the course of your relationship? Weird huh?

It’s lazy story telling, which is aggravating because we know Kevin Smith is capable of much more.

That said, the actors do exemplary work considering the material they are given. Seth Rogen continues his evolution from a funny, but one-note comic, to a skilled actor, and Elizabeth Banks manages to charm the pants off me once again with her smile and comic timing.

She is cast in some thankless roles, but she manages to retain her dignity every time. Hollywood, if you are listening, find a better way to put her talent to use.

The best I can say about Zach and Miri is that in between its few laughs, stupid filth and cliched story are sparks of the Kevin Smith we used to rely on to deliver the goods.

Maybe he will reappear one day and realize you can’t coast on your past successes forever. How many times can you keep repeating, “fuck, fuck, fuck” before people start ignoring you like you are some sort of maniac?

Zack and Miri Make a PornoNow playing in multiple locations**