Shiv to Shank

Recently, a group of Libertarians known as the Free State Project proposed a mass exodus to New Hampshire, where they hope to amass a Libertarian-minded minority of 20,000 strong by the year 2006. Libertarians and gun-toting stoners everywhere refused citing, “Don’t you tell me what to do.”

Last week, Secretary of Defense Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld went on the defensive after a memo to higher-ups at the Pentagon in which he questioned the progress and public response to the war in Iraq was leaked to the press. “Rummy” assured the press that he was drunk when he wrote the memo, ya know like in “Jerry Maguire.”

A Shiv from the future: Later this week, Halloween will finally give up and rename itself “A Prelude to Christmas,” infuriating children, Trekkies and Satanists everywhere.

On Monday, President Bush reacted to the recent bombings in Baghdad, which left 39 dead, by responding to the four separate car-bombing incidents with a long string of abstract nouns. Ouch.

Southern California continues to be devastated this week by wildfire that has consumed 300,000 acres, 1,110 homes and 13 lives-the worst wildfire to strike California in over a decade. Assuming that Gov. Gray Davis handles this disaster with finesse, the recall petition to recall Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger from the recent California gubernatorial recall (providing what may be the first “total recall” in California history), will begin circulating next week.

On Monday (soon to be known as Manic Merger Monday), Bank of America announced its multibillion dollar merger with Fleet-Boston, continuing their campaign to bully the United States of America into changing its name to Bank of the United Banks of American Banks of America Bank! Bank! Bank! Also, RJ Reynolds, the second largest tobacco company in the US, announced it would merge with Brown and Williamson the third largest, in an attempt to become an easier target for the Democratic Party.