Snark Attack

I’d like to thank the Academy

On Sunday, Feb. 25, the 79th annual Academy Awards (better known as the Oscars) will be taking place in beautiful Los Angeles, Calif. This year the big story is Martin Scorsese. Specifically, whether or not he will finally get the Best Director nod that’s been eluding him since 1980. Also of note is the nomination of Abigail Breslin for best supporting actress, who at 10 years old is pretty damned good at acting like a kid. Other pre-show buzz discusses Eddie Murphy’s nomination for best supporting actor and the curious lack of Oscar-love for Children of Men.

Why you should care: Well, it is the Oscars, the biggest movie event of the year. But, the amount of self-congratulatory industry talk that is sure to happen is a bit disheartening (not to mention annoying).

The sword and the porn

Dig porn? Watch out, if you’re not careful a neighbor might come after you with a sword. In Oconomowoc, Wis., a man overheard what he thought was rape, busted into his neighbor’s house and instead discovered something entirely different. James Van Iveren reportedly “feels stupid” for breaking down his neighbor’s door and flailing a sword around for no reason. Understandable, considering that he is an idiot (and who the hell has a sword these days anyway?).

Why you should care: Let this be a lesson to all of you who like to crank the grunts and moans of videotaped sex; it isn’t always as “hot” as it sounds.

Don’t mess with gramps

Old people can kick ass too. At least, that’s the lesson three muggers in Costa Rica learned when a group of senior citizens foiled an attack on their tour bus. Two attackers ran away when a man in his mid-70s snapped the neck of one of their friends, who was 20 years old. The seniors brought the man to a local hospital but he was pronounced dead on arrival.

Why you should care: Old people are now scarier than ever. They have a weird smell, vote in large numbers, yell at things that don’t exist and will fuck your shit up. Damn.

A new meaning of the phrase “boom box”

No surprise here, but it was once again revealed that Christians can’t take a joke. In Santa Fe, N.M. an uncreative prankster duct-tapped three stereos underneath a church pew and programmed them to go off during Ash Wednesday mass. The sounds were evidently quite filthy as the church called in the bomb squad, who blew up only two of the three devices, deciding that the off button was a more appropriate way to shut down the third stereo.

Why you should care: This was an incredibly weak way to desecrate a church. Come on folks–get a little more ballsy with your blasphemy.

Freak of the Week: Britney Spears has officially lost her mind. As of Thursday evening, she’s checked into rehab centers three times (and twice run away from rehab after less than 24 hours), shaved her head, gotten two new tattoos, and stood outside her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s house demanding to be let in and attacking vehicles with an umbrella. The rumor mill also says that she’s tried to kill herself at least twice this week, although taking a few too many sedatives and then calling a doctor hardly counts as a sincere attempt. Oh, Britney. Running around Los Angeles looking like Uncle Fester isn’t a very good way to begin one’s comeback. Maybe she should stay in rehab for a little while this time. All of a sudden, K-Fed is looking like the good parent and even the Snark is a little worried about her. Maybe being a kazillionaire at 17 isn’t such a good thing.