Sorority slam

They say in America you can be anything you want to be. I really want to be a sorority girl. I tried to join a sorority, but it was an utter failure.


Can I interview you?

About what?


About what you’re doing.

Is it like an expose about how horrible we are?


No, I just want to talk to you, like have a conversation.

Oh, we’re trying to recruit people.


What is it you’re recruiting for?

Young women who are interested in the same values that we are –


But what are you?

We’re a sorority.


What is a sorority?

What is a sorority?



Uh – it’s a national organization of women at undergrad college campuses.


What is it you do?

Well, we’re actually a philanthropic organization, that’s one of our five standards. We’re very business oriented, but we also do a lot of volunteer work on campus.


Can I join your sorority?

No, you cannot.


Why not?

You can’t, it’s a women’s-only organization.



Well, what if I identified myself as being a woman, then could I join?

No, you have to be biologically female to be a part of our organization. Sorry.



There’s lot’s of fraternities on campus that I could get you into contact with.


Maybe. Now what does one have to do to join the A, X – it looks like a horseshoe?

Well, the A is Alpha, the X stands for Ki, and then that’s the Omega symbol.


Now did the organization choose the Omega because it looks like a horseshoe?

N-n-no, our founders were actually in DePaul University in Indiana, and the chose Alpha Ki Omega because Alpha is the first letter in the Greek Alphabet and Omega is the last, and Ki is the Greek for “and.” So we’re the first and the last.


Hey! The best. I’m giving a thumb’s up!

That’s what they thought.


Awesome! Now I have heard some rumors, well – I don’t know much about sororities, but I’ve heard a thing or two about fraternities and some of the things, they have to go through like hazing.

We have a very strict anti-hazing policy. We all have to sign anti-hazing clauses so nothing like that happens in any house on campus.


So none of your sisters are like dressing in hockey masks, so you’re not gonna dress in a hockey mask?

No, no, no one’s balled. No one’s branded. We don’t do any of that. No. That’s a huge stereotype about sororities and fraternities, and it’s not true.


Have you ever seen that sketch on Saturday Night Live, where it was the Delta Delta Delta’s? Ya know like “Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya? Help ya? Help ya?” Do you guys answer the phone like “Alpha Chi Omega – can I, hello?”

Do you mean like how do answer our phones?



Well, it’s “Alpha Chi Omega,” and the sister’s name, and “How can I help you?”


Oh, so it’s not like, I mean it doesn’t rhyme, because Omega is really hard to rhyme as like a greeting.

Well, we don’t do rhyming greetings or anything like that.


“Alpha Chi Omega – can I – ?” Why don’t we do like a phone thing? Ring Ring! Answer the phone.

And you’d like to hear our greeting?



Alpha Chi Omega, this is Erin, how can I help you?


Hi, Erin, how are you doing today?

I’m good, how can I help you?


Uh – can I join your sorority?

Are you posing as a female on the phone?


No, I’m a woman.

Well, then absolutely you can join, we’re having open recruitment all this week and next, if you’d like more information, you can just give me your e-mail address and we’ll get a hold of you.


Uh – OK – thanks.

Then you give me your e-mail.


My email is [email protected]

Oh, that’s a very, very hopeful name. We’ll get a hold of you when we get a hold of you. Thank you for calling.


That was the best phone conversation I’ve ever had.