Years ago, Tamela Clover watched an educational video about prairie voles. The video divided the voles into two groups: monogamous and non-monogamous. The narrator went on to explain how, by altering the chemistry of the brain, the non-monogamous voles could be made to act monogamous.
Clover, the creator of the Portland State Polyamory Club, looks back on that video in horror.
“If being monogamous is the natural, good way of being, then where does that put everyone who’s not?” Clover said.
The definition of polyamory is largely subjective, but is essentially the practice of engaging in consensual relationships with more than one partner. Clover defines polyamory as a spectrum, with monogamy at one end and polyamory at the other.
Clover, a senior studying psychology, said she decided to form a support group focusing on polyamory after transferring to the university and attending Viking Days, an event aimed at acquainting incoming students with the school.
She met with representatives from the Women’s Resource Center, Queer Resource Center, and Student Activities and Leadership Programs but couldn’t find a student group that dealt specifically with polyamory.
“I asked [these groups] when I went there, ‘Is there anything like this that you provide on campus for polyamorous people,’” Clover said. “They said no, but that I should start a group. ‘That happened enough times that I started to think, ‘maybe I should.’”
Several months later, the PSU Polyamory Club acts as a safe place for members to discuss anything from work frustrations and communication problems in relationships, to more delicate topics like the pros and cons of coming out in various areas of life.
The group meets on campus twice monthly. Clover said meetings focus on discussion topics agreed upon by the group, rather than lectures or debates.
“We’re not trying to convince anybody, we’re just trying to share ideas,” Clover said. “You can take what you want. We like to pick our topics based on what people are saying they need the most.” Clover said that while personal privacy is a high priority for the group, inclusivity is also important. The group is open to members of all genders, sexes, religions and orientations. That includes monogamy.
“It’s not uncommon for monogamous people to be in relationships with polyamorous people,” Clover said. “In that case, it could be a really good resource for a monogamous person, because they come and get support that they might not be getting elsewhere.”
Clover, who will be graduating soon, said she is currently looking for someone to champion the group when she moves on. If a new group leader is not forthcoming, though, she said she would explore transitioning the group out of the university.
Whether the group stays in the university system or not, Clover said she sees potential for growth.
“I think it can go as far as people want it to go,” Clover said. “I could see, potentially, grooming people to do advocacy and peer-to-peer support. Things that could be really beneficial, especially for people who are looking to do group work in their own careers.”
Clover said while there is an overall need for more academic research on polyamory, there’s one ongoing study that she is particularly interested in. It’s a project that involves her group, and it’s being headed by a student at PSU.
Mapping love
When Aubrey Limburg got word that her application to join the Ronald E. McNair Scholars Program—a research program that prepares first generation, low income undergraduates for graduate and Ph.D. programs—had been approved, she knew she had to find the perfect topic.
“I’ve written papers before and I’ve hammered it into the ground until I’m done,” Limburg said. “You know how it goes, where you’ve worked on it for so long that you never want to look at it again. I wanted to find something that I wanted to work with for a long time.”
Limburg had been reading the book Wannabes, Goths, and Christians: The Boundaries of Sex, Style, and Status by Amy Wilkins. The book discusses goth women harnessing sexual independence through their identification with polyamory, which caught Limburg’s eye.
“I said, ‘What the hell is polyamory?’”
At first, she thought polyamory was no different from polygamy (which necessitates multiple spouses); an initial misconception she would later realize was all too common. She dug deeper and, as she did, her fascination with the subject grew.
It came down to a chance encounter with a polyamorous classmate and later, a conversation over coffee to get Limburg up to speed.
For the past several months Limburg has been acting as the co-principle investigator of her own study into polyamory. Many of her research participants are also members of Clover’s polyamory club.
Limburg said her research differs from much of the literature pertaining to polyamory, which largely focuses on married individuals cohabitating with children.
“I’m focusing on people between the ages of 18 and 29, so it’s a younger population.” Limburg said.
Limburg’s study is phenomenological, meaning that it aims to compile the lived experiences of the study participants. Limburg has conducted numerous in-depth interviews to establish the demographics, gender and sexual identity, and relationship structures of her study’s participants.
Since polyamorous relationship structures can be complex, she asked participants to draw relationship maps called polycules. Polycules go by many other names, such as pods or families. A polycule mirrors the structure of a molecule, with each branching arm connecting to another partner in the relationship.
The relationship formations illustrated by polycules can take on many forms, such as a V-shape in which one person is dating two separate partners individually. Polycules can also look like triangles, where every member in the diagram is dating every other member. From there, the arms of polycules can branch out, becoming much more complex.
Limburg said her study is in its final stages so she is unable to draw any conclusions just yet, but she revealed some preliminary results.
“People are finding safe space in other communities, not necessarily this poly-specific community.” Limburg said. “They’re finding spaces in the kink community, and the queer community, and the radical fairy community, and some that I haven’t even heard of like the circus community.”
Conversations about friends and family were a point of contention in Limburg’s interviews, and garnered mixed answers. The most frequent theme to surface, though, was willful ignorance; the desire of family members to ignore one’s polyamorous lifestyle.
“There’s just this inability to want to understand how somebody’s love is not finite and central to one committed relationship,” Limburg said. “I think that’s something that’s really hard, especially when you’re in a mono-normative culture.”
Foreign bodies
While seeking out participants for her study, Limburg expressed frustration at the lack of men willing to talk.
Benjamin Baker, a senior studying economics at Reed College, said because of the sometimes tenuous and complex position of men in the polyamory community, speaking honestly about one’s orientation can be difficult.
“There are a somewhat equal number of men, but we don’t really know how to define and express what we are doing and why,” Baker said. “We don’t want to be seen as studs, and we are always trying to find our place in a more feminist and egalitarian social structure.”
Baker said he hesitates to identify as polyamorous.
Much of Baker’s reticence to identify as polyamorous stems from his introduction to the relationship dynamic with a much older group. Baker’s understanding of his own sexuality has evolved since those early days.
“I’ve moved from a place of just wanting all the flavors of the rainbow to appreciating how much my partner and I can trust each other,” Baker said.
Baker said he has moved from having many rules in his relationships to just a few, and trusting his partner to tell him if something isn’t working. The biggest change has been how and why he trusts a partner.
“One of the major benefits of open relationships, in my view, is that I know my partner wants to be with me, not due to some misplaced obligation,” Baker said. “She could have a number of other people, even as a primary partner, but every day she keeps choosing me.”
For the past year Baker has been studying abroad at the London School of Economics. During his time abroad, Baker said he has noticed differences in how alternative relationship dynamics are viewed.
Baker said he has noticed a much larger and more vibrant queer and alternative relationship community in London, with less drama than what he has experienced in the states.
“Abroad, it’s a number of loosely associated people from all walks of life who choose to trust each other enough that we don’t transmit disease,” Baker said. “We try and avoid drama, and we love exploring the intimacy and connection we can find between those that we choose to see.”
Baker said he doesn’t define himself by who he associates with or who he chooses to partner with. Instead, he said he’s just open to change.
“I might choose circus, nerdy or dance community because that is what I love to do with my free time, but who I sleep with and when doesn’t define who I am,” Baker said. “It’s simply what I do, not who I am.”