Autumn Pumpkin Cake
I am going to tell you a story. After you read this story your life may never be the same; you may find yourself with an altered perspective, your view on reality and what is possible between this world and the next may completely change. There is only one way that this story can begin: canned pumpkin.
Wait, no, hold up. What actually needs to happen is that you need to pre-heat your oven to the approximate temperature to incinerate bone (300 degrees… It’s approximate… Like WAY approximate… Inaccurately approximate…) and mix together your dry ingredients first. Usually for this ritual I would recommend using some manner of grave dirt and maybe the ash of 1,000 corpses. But hey, we’re all on a budget, right? We’re students! So to save a little money you can try flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, nutmeg, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. If you like a little extra flavor you can add the hand of a mummy or some chopped walnuts and cranberries to the mix.
So now you’ve got that stuff thrown together. Great job, young necromancers! I knew you could do it. But you’re not done just yet. Remember that other stuff? That’s right, the pumpkin, eggs, oil, orange zest and ectoplasm? Those have to go into the mix as well (add ectoplasm according to taste or leave it out for a lower calorie/chance of possession cake). It all has to be whisked together until relatively smooth and then poured into an 8 inch square pan that has been greased and floured. Just regular grease and flour. Don’t make it weird.
Okay, we’re almost done. Your oven is still nice and hot, right? When you have the mixture poured into your pan and you’ve repeated the appropriate incantation three times (it’s the one in your copy of the Necronomicon… No, NOT THAT ONE! For the love of all things do NOT repeat THAT one!) you are ready to put your cake in the oven. Bake it for 55 minutes or until you can stick a toothpick in the center and pull it out without your cake screaming or drawing any amount of blood. Let it cool, then serve it to your friends/family/co-workers/people who deserve to be cursed.
You’ve done well, my friends, but this is not over. How can you possibly eat cake without an alcoholic beverage?
I heard a story about this place once. It happened years ago, on a night not unlike this. Only the moon was full and it was in a graveyard, so not this place at all. Actually, the moon was probably at that stage where it looked full but the calendar didn’t say that it was full, so everyone was a little bit confused and questioned their own ability to spot a full moon when they thought they saw one. Regardless of these facts it was still just like this: spooky. And it all began with a liquor of your choice.
The liquor you pick should be something that you would take shots of. For this reason I would not recommend using rubbing alcohol, gasoline, or holy water (if you are currently possessed from the ectoplasm you put in that cake). Some people use peach schnapps, some use strawberry vodka. I have even heard that some people use that strange bottle of strong-smelling liquid they found in the old chest, the one that has been in the attic for longer than anyone can remember. Really, it doesn’t matter so long as it tastes good with something creamy, because that is your next step.
Bailey’s Irish Cream is a drink normally best served from a shoe. In this case, however, you will be using it to go all Dr. Frankenstein on your drink and put a brain in it. Before you add your Bailey’s make sure you’ve put lime juice in the liquor you already have. By doing this first you can make sure the creamy Bailey’s will curdle, generally become gross, and end up looking like a brain. You can shape it by adding it a little bit at a time with a straw and making the brain strands yourself.
It’s alive! Just kidding, it’s not alive yet. You have one more step to go. This drink isn’t called a Bloody Brain for nothing, so that is where the dash of grenadine comes in. How bloody do you like your brain? Try to gauge that and add your grenadine accordingly. The end result should be a pretty spooky looking drink that you can dare your friends to try or enjoy all by yourself. Don’t go giving this one out to trick-or-treaters, though. That’s probably illegal and you wouldn’t want to do anything like that.