Stalking Santa

Lloyd Center
Santa “Greg” Claus

Authenticity: 3.5
Too thin. Slight “chav” accent. Faint odor of cookie dough largely undetectable.

Possible booziness: 8
Seems like he’s had a rough day.

Witty banter: 2
He’s a good guy but my heart went largely un-warmed.

Realness of beard: 7
Definitely attached to his face but questionable in length.

Likelihood of performing heartwarming Christmas miracle: Slight. Joyfulness was called into question at several points. No “ho-ho-ho”-ing.

Santa “Greg” Claus had just started his rounds when I came in to share my wish list with him and he already seemed halfway downtrodden. We kvetched a bit and I found that he had, in fact, gone to PSU at one point but left after his sophomore year. I mentioned that my slipshod class work and general incompetence had me headed for a similar fate. There was a pregnant pause as we both considered the soul-crushing ramifications of this statement. I then asked him for some ice skates.

 Pioneer Place
“Magical Happy Rainbow” Santa Claus

Authenticity: 7
Acted with high degree of familiarity. Heartily offered a “Christmas tickle” … yeah.

Possible booziness: 3
Only boozy enough to qualify as “jolly.”

Witty banter: 8.5
Laughed heartily when presented with Christmas wish of pony. Offered coloring book free of charge and added that coloring inside the lines was not a necessity.

Realness of beard: 10
Not only was the beard real, it contained threads of gold glitter!

Likelihood of performing heartwarming Christmas miracle: Almost guaranteed.

Hands down the best Santa. Thoroughly enjoyed the plaid accents, the coloring book and candy cane. Talked to me as if I was 6 years old and I didn’t mind it, actually I prefer it when it comes to St. Nick. When asking for a pony, Santa warmly replied, “You ask for that every year,” and instead offered an Easy-Bake Oven, which I already have but I wouldn’t mind another. Thanks, Santa.

 Downtown Macy’s
“Red Dungeon” Santa Claus

Authenticity: 5
He seemed genuine, but then again he was also couched in the middle of a sea of soulless animatronic creatures.

Possible booziness: 7
He did seem suspiciously animated.

Witty banter: 7
Pontificated at length on an incident involving ice skates, elves and other unknown parties. Not sure if that’s positive or negative.

Realness of beard: 6
It was real but looked like it might have involved extensions.

Likelihood of performing heartwarming Christmas miracle: Unlikely, unless you shell out $15.99 for a pack of digital photo prints.

As opposed to Lloyd Center and Pioneer Place, where both Santas were displayed in what would be considered a central location, Macy’s elected to retrofit their basement into a kind of holiday dungeon that was decorated like a cross between the living room of a kindly old woman and hell. Heartwarming and gaudy Christmas ornaments were sandwiched side by side with blaring red wallpaper and the lifeless machinations of an army of animatronic elves.

In the middle of this disconcerting menagerie sat Santa, enthusiastically lording over his minions, which included the aforementioned elves and reindeer as well as a small army of Art Institute graduates manning the photography equipment. I asked him for ice skates and he told me a meandering story involving falling through thin sheets of ice. The Art Institute graduates then asked me for $15.99 for copies of digital photos. I declined.