Suffering Cinema

Even as we move out of post-Oscar dumping season, the movie industry continues to inflict pain and misery onto the public. Once again, the Vanguard suffers so you don’t have to.

"Herbie: Fully Loaded," June 24
Thanks to the endless wonders of CGI, everyone’s favorite magical love bug sneers, smiles, winks and lusts after a new model Volkswagen that’s a good forty years his junior. But this is a family movie, so instead of becoming a registered sex offender, Herbie takes up NASCAR racing.

"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", June 6
It is a good rule of thumb to avoid any film with "sisterhood" in the title. Based on a novel that a lot of people undoubtedly purchased because of this irresistible title, four best friends, separating for the summer, use a pair of jeans as some sort of bonding instrument. No, not that kind of bonding instrument, you sicko. A bonding instrument of friendship. This movie is bound to be totally inaccurate, because it stars three skinny girls and their other best friend is fat. Like Bridget Jones fat.

"The Ringer," coming soon
Let’s hope "coming soon" means "coming never" – Johnny Knoxville tells a priest that he’s posing as a mentally challenged athlete in order to rig the Special Olympics and make some cash. Then the priest punches him. What’s unfunnier than that?

"Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo," Aug. 12
Rob Schneider plays a dumpy pure heart who charges ladies with various maladies $10 for his company. "European Gigolo" is for the millions of you who wandered through the video store with your eyes closed and came out with "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo." Remember, folks, there are consequences to laying down money to see a film: if there appears to be demand, they will make another one. Go ahead. Go see it. Let’s begin a franchise.

"A Lot Like Love," April 22
Ashton Kutcher stars in this remake of every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen.

"Madagascar," May 27
A pack of sassy zoo animals plot their escape in this remake of every feature length cartoon you’ve ever seen.

"Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith," May 19
Before the hate mail starts rolling in, just let me say that I’m adding the third installment of Star Wars to this list for the well-being of all. I was so drunk when I saw "Attack of the Clones" that I recommended it to all of my friends, suffering months of painful embarrassment as result. Don’t let it happen to you. Having any hope for "Revenge," is hoping something like "Elektra 2" will inspire and move us.

"Red-Eye," Aug. 5
"Red-Eye" could very well be an adequate film, but it is one that deserves to sink under the weight of its own misleading advertising. It reeks of a promising horror flick – it’s Wes Craven-directed, the trailer appeared before "Ring Two" and seemed to involve a possible plane crash and death in the form of Irish super-pretty-boy Cillian Murphy ("28 Days Later"). Its official genre, however, is "suspense thriller," so you can’t trust it.