The best places for…

Having tough luck finding love in Portland? Don’t know where to take that first date or where to go to breakfast the morning after? We’ve got a few suggestions. Once you’ve worn through your usual haunts, try out these hot spots.

Easiest place to hook up: The Ondine Residence Hall

What could you want besides freshmen for an easy shot at bumping uglies? They’re a walking batch of hormones that will no doubt succumb to your worldly ways. For the 18-year-olds looking to pop the cherry, the Ondine is a teenager’s dream come true. And the same goes for the lecherous old fart hoping to relive their youth with a chance at the teen of their dreams.

Worst place to find a date: The last bus out of downtown

Some people don’t realize that you want neither to look at them nor talk to them while you’re riding the bus–let alone have them ask you out on a date at 1:50 a.m. It’s awkward for everyone. Usually, the people asking for dates are short little drunk men–the ones with a Napoleon complex–who have spent the last six hours at the bar telling the bartender why they are utilizing their business degree with their job at the Safeway Starbucks. Usually, they use this same strategy when trying to pick someone up, by saying: “I wuurk at Sthaarbucttss. Wanda come ofer?”

Best place to find love: Work

You see the people all day, every day. Why not sleep with them?

Best group date: Hollywood bowl

Everyone likes to go bowling. Why not impress your date by taking him or her out with your friends and their significant others (i.e., your bowling team) so you can show off your skills. Also, the Hollywood Bowl is one of the few alleys in Portland that has a full service bar, so you can get drunk like you do every other night of the week.

Best place to find sexy journalists: The Vanguard

‘Nuff said.

Best “morning after” breakfast: The morning after pill

Just make sure you eat something along with it. I’m told you’re not supposed to take the pill on an empty stomach. So just drop by the Hotcake House, order an omelet and make it explicit to the staff that the reason you’re eating their food is so you are able to take the pill without vomiting. For extra safety, make sure both sexual participants take it. Delicious.