Editorial
The first annual Vanguard holiday wish list
Each and every day, we at the Vanguard spend all of our time thinking about you, the reader. We work hard to bring you this amazing publication each and every day. When you woke up on Halloween and realized that you didn’t have a mask, who did you turn to? The Vanguard, that’s who! When you wondered why your tuition seems to cost you eight hundred dollars more each term, who was there to dot every ‘i’ and cross every ‘t’ for you? The Vanguard, that’s who! And when you ran out of toilet paper and still had to wait another month for your backlogged finical aid check, who was there to wipe your sweet, sweet ass? The Vanguard, that’s who! So you’re welcome, goddamnit! So every once in a while if we want to take the time to do something nice for ourselves, you can just grin and bear it, buddy, because we’ve earned it! And now, with that said, I give you the first annual Vanguard’s Self-Indulgent Holiday Wish List.
First of all, we like to indulge in a little group wishing, which everyone in the Vanguard Newsroom could benefit from:
-a liquor license
-nude photos of the Movie Psychic
-a private bathroom (or two)
-a chimpanzee butler, preferable named “Jeeves” or “Mortimer”
Nikki Degan, Arts and Culture editor:
-my own little black rain cloud
-an anti-crashing computer
-a sub-basement bonfire pit
-pillows
-an unclothed Johnny Depp
-a ban on shorts
-a deserted island to send “musicians” who shouldn’t be allowed to continue making “music,” (see James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Art Alexakis, etc.), with no chance of escape
-a tiki bar in my cubicle
-free liquor for the new A&C bar
-a lifetime supply of Little Debbie’s Fudge Rounds
-a sacred cow for petting
-an in-office Frank Sinatra/Sigur Ros concert
-a date with the long-haired member of Ground Charlie
Dan Garcia, Sports editor:
-Morphine-laced Holiday cookies.
-More lucid dreams.
-A brand new slot car racing set.
-A dog that picks up his own poop.
-World peace and all that other crap.
Amy Sly, Photo editor:
-An alarm clock that vibrates my pillow to help me wake up
-Full spa treatment with two-hour full body massage
-A holiday sweater for my cat, Miles
Ryan Hume, Opinion editor:
-One 300 pound lime Jell-o sculpture made in the likeness of Michael Jackson’s most recent mug shot
-a classically-trained chipmunk in formal wear, who pops his collar on command
-An I.V. with jacked-up truck tires and 24-inch gold-plated rims for “off-roading”
-a cat scan
-and oh yeah, the annihilation of all greed and gluttony from this world (unless of course I am getting those sweet gold-planted rims)
Sara Gundell, News editor:
-A Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle
-snow
-more time
-Disneyland all to myself
-a December paycheck
-Tinkerbell pixie dust, so I can fly
-an acceptance letter to Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
-a flushing toilet cigarette lighter
Gregory Nipper, Chief Copy editor:
Dear Santa or whomever-
I would like:
A more just, equitable society
and
one of those really immense bottles of champagne
Taylor Barnes, News editor:
-A decent New Year’s
-A personal yogi to live inside of my closet
-The reinstatement of the tuition plateau
-Obi Sushi to relocate to my kitchen
-Bush’s resignation (due to his sudden and unexpected development of compassion and logic)
-The opportunity to kick Lon Mabon in the shins while wearing extremely heavy shoes
-A swimming pool full of champagne-laced peach Jell-o
-Teatime with Gandhi, Buddha, Abe Lincoln and Harriet Tubman
-wings
Christian Gaston, Editor in Chief:
-A lifetime subscription to Electrician’s Weekly
-Some sort of fish stomach
-A smart pair of trousers
-Bono’s bloody, bloody skull on my living room mantle
-And a Manwich
Matt Wong, Production Manager:
-An Apple G-5 with all the fixin’s
-Go-go dancers for the production area
-3 ketchup packets
-A black, lace teddy with matching garters, of course