Whether you’re a voracious jungle tiger or an enthusiastic beginner just gunning for their first score, you should always use protection. With this list, there will never be an excuse for not having a rubber when you need it most.
All right boys and girls, you just got back from the Center for Student Health and Counseling with two hands full of free condoms—booya! Leave them in the package, and put them in these places.
Best places
Star Trek box set (1–10 Condoms)
Nobody will ever look here. While not that mobile, it’s the most secret and safe your stash will ever be (but if he or she does look inside the box, hold onto that one).
Book bag/backpack (1–5 Condoms)
It’s always on you, and typically the only person in your bag is you—just try not to crush them with textbooks.
Toiletry bag (1–5 Condoms)
Staying overnight? Bring safety with you! Now you have fresh breath and safe sex in the same place—a good combination.
Bike seat bag (1–3 Condoms)
For the love machine on the move, put them in a paper bag to help protect from bike tools and the heat.
Cigarette pack (1 Condom)
Smoking is bad for your health, but using condoms is not—this dichotomy of health is perfect for the smoking sex machine.
Beanie (1–2 Condoms)
Short on pockets? No problem! Most beanies have a lot of extra room in them and nobody is going to notice your rubber taped to the inside. Try not to leave it there more than a few hours though.
Sock drawer (1–100 Condoms)
Discreet and roomy, you can stash about 100 condoms in it and still have room for your socks. This tried-and-true location continues to serve us well.
Dorm wall (1 Condom)
Put the rubber in an envelope and pin the envelope to the wall—great for emergencies.
Camera bag (5–10 Condoms)
Art students take note, camera bags have room for your lenses, camera, film and condoms!
Inner jacket (1–3 Condoms)
Sometimes you just want to have some sex, and you need the condom with you when you seek out the object of your lust (or it seeks you). Because of heat, this should really be a temporary stash.
Worst places
It’s not all fun and games, kids. Some places put your condoms at risk of being damaged, and nobody wants an accidental baby when you can hardly afford food for yourself.
Remember not to use condoms if the package is leaking or appears damaged. If it seems discolored, dry, brittle or torn when you take it out then toss it—they’re not that expensive, so better safe than sorry.
Take caution with the following locations.
Wallet
This is probably the worst spot to stash condoms. While it might seem like a good spot, constant pressure and constant rubbing combined with heat can wear your condoms down to dust.
Shoe
This is an awful place to put a condom. Not only do you risk destroying it, you will probably lose it and it’s uncomfortable. Even if you don’t wear the shoe, it smells.
Jewelry box
Earrings, finger rings and sharp disco beads all put your condoms at risk of puncture. Even if it doesn’t punch all the way through, a powerful load can exploit the damage.
Cell phone bag
Cell phones have been used on YouTube to light popcorn on fire, and that kind of radiation probably isn’t good for your rubber. Besides, we use our phones a lot.
Near light bulbs
It might seem clever to stash your condoms above the bathroom light, but a light bulb of any kind will bake your condoms dry—seriously ill advised.
Under heavy objects
You don’t want to degrade your condoms by keeping them under some heavy books or whatever. A small stack of magazines is probably OK, like if your parents make a visit.
Glove box
Although convenient, the glove box in your car is prone to extreme temperature change, and the police won’t be impressed when you accidently hand them your damaged condom instead of your registration.
Laptop sleeve
The warmth of your precious laptop is actually a problem for your protection for the same reason light bulbs are. Besides, it might fall out when you pull out your laptop, and that’s embarrassing.
Fridge
Hell no, Eskimos work hard to keep their Trojans from getting too cold and so should you! Leave the fridge for ice cream and medication.
Wearing it
Seriously, young tigers. Unless you want to be the subject of college humor legend forever, never wear a condom unless you’re actually using it right then. Not only is it phenomenally creepy, it’s extremely unsafe.