This week, I’m frustrated with homonyms that get misused more often than medical syringes by scraggly junkies under the Burnside Bridge. When speaking aloud, homonyms don’t present a big issue, and you Portland State Clown College attendees—the Bozos, as I have dubbed you jabbering dunces—can get away with saying things like “gorilla warfare.” Idiots. It’s homonym butchering like this that makes me quote Jules from Pulp Fiction: “English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!!?!”
“There, their, they’re” is the homonym I most often see written out incorrectly, and it pains me when one of the few people among my friends I consider a fellow elite grammarian texts me, “we’re almost to there house for the party.” Yes, the Grouch parties…I spend the whole night correcting everyone and eventually get kicked out, but at least those Bozos spend a few minutes having grammatically correct conversation before they shred their brain cells with Pabst and bong hits.
“There” is a reference to a place. It’s also a comforting word in repetition, as in “Bozo, there there, you’ll learn grammar eventually.”
“Their” is a multiple possessive word. For example, “PSCC sure is proud of their Bozos! They keep admitting them year after year, anyhow!”
“They’re” is a contraction of “they are.” This is an indication of action by multiple subjects or objects, such as “Bozos, man, they’re all so goddamn stupid!”
Learn to use grammar appropriately…even Facebook has a group dedicated to “there, their, they’re” accuracy.
So join up, learn grammar and do your best to ascend to my level of grammatical glory.