The horror! The horror!

“We’re all just daddy issues and douche bags. Can’t we all just be one happy cliché?”

You said it, token stoner dude.

I saw Friday the 13th last weekend on Saturday the 14th (yeah that’s right, my lady is awesome.) However, as most would expect, the film did not measure up to any of even the smallest of expectations, and produced a series of crimes that horror movie fans will be bringing the gavel down upon.

The film strays so far from the original’s feel (borrowing only the concept of a scary guy in a hockey mask) that fans of the original will be disappointed, as it fails to hold up to its 1980 counterpart. All in all, this remake is a mix of the first two Friday the 13ths.

Those who are in the know should be able to spot a few nostalgic moments, such as Jason’s bag mask and a few others. But the sprinkling of nostalgia doesn’t carry the film through an array of poor filmmaking choices.

Granted, the initial flick helped to establish some time honored horror movie clichés, but the remake takes these clichés to an embarrassing level, where there is no decent script, twists or turns, or inventive characters.

I acknowledge that it’s hard to pull off a remake (especially when it is of a well-loved franchise), but this remake gave me the feeling that they didn’t even try to create anything successful and banked on the curiosity of fans to garner ticket sales (big surprise).

The movie comes stock with all the drugs, sex and token characters you’ve come to expect. This is carried out to such a large extent that it removes any of the original’s feel, yet still leaves the viewer with a sense that they have seen this all before, in the hundreds of horror movies that have come since the original in 1980.

You don’t have to make some novel work of art, but at least put some creative and innovative thought into it, especially while handling the re-imaging of a delicate classic.

Lastly, the star of the film, Jared Padelecki, appears to be quite a tall drink of water. Not only do you get him on a little Royal Enfield motorcycle, but the noise from the bike is dubbed over, making it sound like a beefed up Harley. Come on! Couldn’t you just fork up the dough and get the guy on a Triumph? Padelecki looks like a circus clown on a scooter.

Interesting tidbit: Over the past four years Padelecki and Jensen Ackles have come into homes across America each week via the television show Supernatural. To be honest, I do like the show and how each episode is like a mini horror movie. I was therefore intrigued when both actors would be coming to the big screen this year.

Coincidentally, both actors were cast in remakes of classic ’80s horror movies, My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th. And not only that, though Ackle’s Bloody Valentine remake came out first, Padelicki’s remake came out on Valentine’s Day! Whoa …
 
Though both of these films cash in on the market for horror nostalgia, they misuse their stars and turn fond memories into something that’s, well, horrifying.