The Lookout

We at the Vanguard feel bad about the Viking football team’s loss in their season opener against McNeese State.

We at the Vanguard feel bad about the Viking football team’s loss in their season opener against McNeese State.

Now, you’re probably thinking we feel sorry for the team’s players, who were looking forward to a new era of Vikings football–an era where the team actually wins. No. Maybe you’re thinking we feel sorry for Jerry Glanville, who, as the new god of Portland State athletics, was expected to turn the mediocre Vikings into the all-powerful PSU Glanvilles. No. We feel sorry for the whole 10 fans of Portland State athletics (three of whom work on our staff) whom were so let down when they realized that a fancy new football coach can’t make a shitty program un-shitty right away.

So, did you, like, hear about Rudy Soto?

Oh. My. God. Apparently he spent like $5,000 to remodel his office. (Do you like the new couches? They’re, like, totally sweet.) And then these two guys found out, and like totally tried to get him fired for it. They said they were trying to change the system, or something-whatever. And so, then, on top of that, I guess $1,500 of electronics was stolen from the student government office. And it was totally electronics that Rudy had just bought during the office remodel. OMG. And then those two guys decided to drop their impeachment! OK, whatever. Trying to grab attention or something. Student government has, like, totally so much drama…

Students getting contraceptives through PSU’s Student Health and Counseling Center (SHAC) can expect to pay as much as $10 more for prescriptions beginning this fall.

The sharp increase in prices reflects a nationwide problem for college campuses, stemming from a 2005 bill that, in part, caused drug manufacturers that give college health centers discounts to pay more to participate in Medicaid. Now, pharmaceutical companies are reluctant to give centers like SHAC those discounts. Great. Let’s make it harder for women to prevent pregnancy. Instead, we’ll finance a futile, endless war with federal money.

Venezuela electoral officials introduced a bill last week that would limit what proud new parents would be allowed to call their children to a list of 100 names.

The intent of the bill is to spare children from names that cause ridicule, are gender ambiguous or are difficult to pronounce in their native tongue. The New York Times reports that the measure was drafted after names like Batman and Superman started appearing on birth certificates. The Times also cites the existence of handfuls of Venezuelans with the first name Hitler, multiple Hochiminhs and half a dozen Eisenhowers. We say if you want to name your kid Mclovin, that’s your prerogative.

Apparently, Paris Hilton can’t wait to go back to jail.

A few British and Australian tabloids have reported that Hilton, who spent time in jail in May for driving under the influence, will be guest starring in a popular Australian show Prisoner Cell Block H: The Musical. The idea of Hilton starring in a musical about prison seems almost too far-fetched to believe, but the tabloids also say that Hilton’s starring role would have a lesbian scene. Now it’s believable; Hilton is just doing another soft-core porn.

And Father of the Year goes to…

Lucien Hoffman! The Bend, Ore., resident was arrested Sunday evening after his 2-year-old daughter was found alone inside a car parked on the east side of Reno in 95-degree heat. We hope he left a window cracked. Where was dad? Just inside the World Famous Mustang Ranch brothel at a pool party with some of his rugby buddies. A security guard found the crying baby, and Hoffman was arrested on charges of child neglect. We doubt the baby’s mommy would even want to bail him out.