The movies of summer

Imagine: the warm breeze gently pouring into the Willamette Valley, carrying the laughter of Bridgetown residents who’ve taken to the parks, streets and open-air restaurants all the way to your front porch where, after a long day of swimming on Sauvie Island, you swing softly in a hammock and watch the first stars twinkle in the sky.

Fuck that.

What better way to usher in the return of the sun than to resign yourself to the recesses of a sticky movie theater, in an effort to maintain the porcelain complexion you managed to develop over the course of the rainy months that are most characteristic of our city.

Yes, it’s Summer Movie Season. It comes once a year (funny how that works) bringing promises of absurd over-the-top action and movie budgets so astronomical as to make corrupted Wall Street officials salivate.

Last summer saw some goddamn awesome movies delivered to the screen including, but certainly not limited to, perhaps the finest summer movie of all time, The Dark Knight. And how will the films of the 2009 Summer Movie Season compare? Let’s take a look at some of the most hotly anticipated flicks headed to the silver screen.

Star Trek-May 8
J.J. Abrams’ reboot/prequel of the classic Gene Roddenberry science fiction franchise takes Star Trek back to its late-’60s roots. That’s right, we’re talking original series crew: Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and more.

My initial response to the early footage of Star Trek was, what’s with the Starfleet Academy 90210? That is to say, it’s sort of weird to see a bunch of punk kids in their 20s commanding starships, but in recent weeks, more and more previews have been showing me how wrong I am.

This Trek looks hot! Damn Hot. If I were a chick, I’d be super wet for Trek; instead I’m a dude and have to settle for getting a starship-sized erection. Granted, with the exception of a number of Next Generation episodes I caught on weekday afternoons while doing homework, I’m going into this film with very little prior Trek knowledge and really no biases against a whole new cast for the crew of the USS Enterprise.

So if you’re a Trek-purist, you may want to hold out on this flick as it’s sure to anger the faithful, or instead, you could unclench your anus and potentially have a great time at the movies.

Angels & Demons-May 15
Tom Hanks reprises the role he made … I don’t want to say famous … the role he made everyone aware of, as symbologist Robert Langdon in this sequel (maybe) to The Da Vinci Code. I say sequel with some hesitation because Angels & Demons, in literary form preceded The Da Vinci Code.

Not that it matters, because the two stories share very little except for the mixture of absurd pseudo science and conspiracy theories, a number of literary devices borrowed from a Michael Crichton novel and the capability of turning uppity-Christians into angry citizens and Wal-Mart shoppers into literary connoisseurs.

In Angels & Demons, Langdon (hopefully with better hair than Hanks was sporting in the last film) is hot on the trail of the Illuminati, an ancient and mostly fictional order of great scientific minds who are sworn enemies of the Catholic Church, currently threatening to blow the Vatican to kingdom come.

Terminator Salvation-May 21
In this Terminator sequel, taking place in a post-apocalyptic 2018, Christian Bale becomes the latest and easily highest-profile actor to portray savior-of-mankind John Connor.

The previews for this flick, have been, so far pretty promising, incorporating gigantic Transformers-style terminators and super fast motorcycle terminators into the action. The story gets all Battlestar on our asses when Marcus (Sam Worthington) shows up unaware that he is at least partially machine, and may hold the key to defeating SkyNet, the wireless provider (or maybe it was a weapons defense system, who remembers?) turned homicidal computer with a taste for the blood of man.

I’m hopeful for this film but apprehensive seeing as director McG’s prior directorial efforts include the atrociously bad Charlie’s Angels remakes. However, it should be interesting to see a young Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin, his second film to be released in May, the first being Star Trek where he plays Chekhov) as well as an early model of the T-800 (the terminator made famous by Arnold Schwarzenegger) which may or may not include a digital Arnie face on the body of Austrian actor Roland Kickinger (who portrayed the Governator in the 2005 TV movie See Arnold Run).

Night at the Museum II: Battle of the Smithsonian-May 22
The first Night at the Museum raked in a monstrous amount of cash, thus guaranteeing a sequel.

Honestly, I couldn’t give less of a shit about this movie. I didn’t see the first one, and the only reason I might be tempted to illegally download this is Bill Hader in the role of General Custer. That and of course, monkeys.

Up-May 29
Thank god Pixar has gotten to a more regular schedule of releases. It used to be we had to wait two or three years between each of their releases, but since they’ve proven themselves the vanguard of digital animation by winning four Best Animated Picture Awards (out of six nominations) since the category was inaugurated in 2001, Pixar has begun to produce a steadier stream of films.

And with each of Pixar’s feature film releases being not only financial but critical successes, we can only hope that Up holds true to Pixar form.

Up tells the story of a Carl Fredricksen, a retired balloon salesman, who takes to the sky by lifting his house from its foundation by using a ton of helium-filled … well, I think it’s pretty obvious. Along for the ride is stow-away Russell and Dug, a dog with a special collar that translates his thoughts into spoken English.

Check back tomorrow for the second half of Jeff’s summer movie preview wherein even more CG effects are eviscerated with an even greater helping of sarcastic wit!