The Original Whizzinator

Dear Onterrio Smith,

Congratulations. You aren’t as dumb as Damon Stoudamire. You didn’t wrap your contraband in tin foil. It was only a tube of toothpaste that set the metal detectors off at the Twin Cities airport, which led to perhaps one of the most bizarre scenes ever, as airport security officers confused your vials of freeze-dried urine for cocaine. I hope none of the guards pinched some off before they tested it.

The vials were part of a kit called “The Original Whizzinator” that included a fake penis. This kit was supposed to help the user pass a drug test. Who do you think you were going to fool with a plastic penis and freeze-dried pee? Maybe you are as dumb as Damon after all.

You said the kit was for your cousin, but I can’t see what he would need it for either. This is risky business for you, buddy. After starring at the University of Oregon you led the Minnesota Vikings in rushing last year, racking up 544 yards on the ground and another 394 receiving.

As your handlers probably tell you all the time, that’s not too bad. You could probably become a pretty good NFL running back, but you’ve already got some problems and they have nothing to do with the Whizzinator – or maybe they do. See, you’ve already got two strikes against you, as in anti-drug policy strikes. You missed four games last season when you were suspended for the second offense.

The Vikings management has already chased Randy Moss out of town, and he’s a far bigger star than you. What I’m trying to say is, be careful. You’re walking a fine line between being a good guy who caught a few bad breaks and just another meathead NFL player who believes he’s above the law.

But I promise you, if you need to use that $150 plastic penis, you will get caught, and a third violation of the NFL’s anti-drug policy will land you a one-year suspension. Your Viking team can ill afford to be without you for a whole season.

I understand you’re just part of a larger problem. The U.S. government is cracking down right now. Professional sports are under the microscope. Congress, for whatever reason, has decided that now is the time to eliminate steroids and other drugs from pro sports. It’s harder to be a crackhead now. It’s harder to cheat.

Maybe that’s a bad thing. Maybe the harder hits, the bigger bodies, the home runs and the touchdown celebrations are worth it. Maybe we don’t understand, but I think I do understand.

I understand because we’re starting to see the results of stricter drug testing. And it’s not necessarily Juan Rincon (a fellow Minnesotan) or Alex Sanchez getting caught. It’s guys like Jason Giambi struggling. Here’s a guy who all but admitted taking steroids for years and knows in his heart drugs are what elevated him to the superstar level. Now he’s batting .198 and looks literally like a shell of his former self.

I don’t know what you or your cousin were trying to hide, Onterrio. But whatever it is, don’t cheat. Don’t disrespect the game, because whether it’s pot or the clear you’re trying to hide, you’re going to get caught. And no fake penis is going to stop that from happening.


Owen Smith