The QB Snap: Buzz from Portland State’s Queen Bee Ryan W. Klute

I like to keep my fingers on the pulse of the Portland State social scene. This usually means I know which professor has a sick kitty or when freshmen break-up, but sometimes, my tireless and creepy vigilance pays off.

Somewhat recently, a few of us heard a rumor there was a video circulating online that was filmed at PSU. And I don’t mean one of those horrible YouTube “vlogs” the sixth-floor freshmen of the Broadway building endlessly churn out (no one cares that Jerrod made-out with Brittany at your party, turn the fucking camera off and go to class).

No, the rumor said this was porn. And not “C’mon, I love you so much, I want to film us just this one time and I’ll totally erase the tape as soon as you leave” porn. This was professionally produced, internationally distributed smut. Well-lit and with a script. I had to investigate further.

So, in an unnamed campus office, a small group of us dedicated to the truth began our search. It took us less than 30 minutes to find the movie in question, and it was a gem: School’s Out: A Peek Into Boys’ Lives After Class Gets Out. Oh yes, it was gay porn–the best kind: hilarious, with “acting.”

So, to briefly summarize the plot: The story starts out with a narrator telling us his friend had just started college at a “Pacific Northwest university” and we should check it out. Next, we open in the fifth-floor hallway of Epler Hall, when a boy gets off the elevator. He is carrying a guitar, a duffle bag and is pushing a large box with his feet. If you haven’t been in Epler Hall, each floor is painted a distinctively horrible color, with the fifth floor being an ugly purple. He knocks on a door, where another boy answers, obviously curious what’s up (and apparently horny).

Boy 1: “Hi, can I help you?”

Boy 2: “Uh, I just came from orientation and this was the room they assigned me.” (He looks down at a crumpled piece of paper.)

Boy 1: “No, this is my room and I have been living here for three days.”

Boy 2: “Well, my mom just dropped me off and the Orientation Office told me this is my room, and I don’t know what to do. Can I come in and call my mom?”

Boy 1: “Sure …”

I am going to assume that you understand his mom didn’t answer and that a phone was not the only thing borrowed during the next 17 minutes of pure, awkward stickiness.

Upon viewing the film like six times (for research), I decided it would be a professional courtesy to pass along this info to the (now former) director of University Housing. This is where I made my biggest mistake in this process: I included the link in my e-mail.

I also maybe sent this e-mail to a dozen or so colleagues, friends and students who think this kind of shit is funny. Within an hour the e-mails and calls started coming in: “Ryan, I heard this rumor that you might be in a movie that was filmed here at PSU.” Or, “Hey, I was forwarded your e-mail, but I didn’t open the link. Do I want to see you in this?” Or my all-time favorite: “Ewww.”

And as rumors usually do, it wasn’t long until the person in charge, the person you would never tell in a million years, found out. At PSU, that person is the president of the university.

I received a very carefully worded e-mail from former President Bernstine, asking if I had any inside knowledge about a movie that was filmed on campus and if I could share any of that information. Let me be clear that my reply was perhaps the most awkward e-mail I have ever composed. If any of you have ever had to explain to your university’s president that you were not, in fact, in a porn film, and to prove it, sent him a link to the actual adult video in question, you know what I am talking about.

Needless to say, the Oregon Department of Justice got involved, and while I can’t comment on any “ongoing investigation,” let’s just say I am avoiding all video cameras in the near and foreseeable future.