The QB Snap: Buzz from Portland State’s Queen Bee

I find you sitting in the middle of the front row The professor has changed topics, you won’t let it go Your hair disheveled, your pants denim capris Your voice is loud, you do whatever you please

The class is late, I dream of getting rest You’re 20 years my senior, not looking your best A break should cause your questions to abate You saddle up the tired professor, to again dominate

Class begins again, and we grit our teeth to bare You open your rolling backpack with calculated care From its hot-pink depths you begin to reveal In neatly labeled Tupperware, your seven-course meal

A knife and fork appear from God knows where A salt and pepper shaker make a ridiculous pair A green salad begins this awful mess Bottles of something for your greens do you dress

Homemade pie in college is a luxury I dare not afford You jam each bite into your mouth, you appear bored Strawberries and rhubarb on a crust take forever to bake Watching it disappear in your trap is more than I can take

A granola bar, a smoothie, and candy I have in my bag But if I attempt to eat and watch you, I will surely gagA pink Hello Kitty thermos appears where we can see Three little bags to open, to begin brewing your tea

It is in slow motion I see you bump your drink with your arm Who knew lukewarm beverage could cause so much harm Your novelty ensloganed mug crashes to the floor Incredible a woman of your girth gets so quickly to the door

The tea, flowing directly towards the professor’s shoes Is the focus of the class, awakening those who snooze The class is transfixed, all eyes are wide and still Suddenly dinner lady with towels to clean up the spill

Hopes of her reprimand are crushed and thrown away As quickly as the spill was put prematurely at bay She packs her bag, placing each container in its place I close my book, without energy or grace

I drive home in silence with no radio, thinking about the class I know I didn’t learn a thing because of her in the weeks past I tell myself she is probably sweet, a nice lady doing her best But I swear I’ll scream if her dinners make me fail the next test