The Rant and Rage: Perturbing Portland pooch

Dogs are freaking awesome. I consider myself a dog lover and think Portland kicks just that much more ass for its dog-friendly culture. We have restaurants with dog menus, shops that keep water bowls out and an amazing amount of space for dog parks. Hell, a few years back, we were even awarded Dog Town USA by Dog Fancy Magazine.

But let’s be clear. When you bring your mutt around the grocery store, place them in those god-awful strollers, dress them up in costumes or keep them in a handbag like a fashion accessory, you are not a dog lover. You’re just fucking crazy.

I’m talking about you, crazy lady who brought her damn puffball pup into the theater when I saw Transformers 2. Your dog barking at the screen at random explosions goes beyond the standard cinematic annoyances we must commonly endure. So does the constant panting or jingling of its collar. Because you felt that your dog was human enough to take on a date out to the movies, I was not able to adequately experience how shitty that movie was, or how overrated a filmmaker Michael Bay is.

Should we now film new condemning commercials to watch before our movies? You know, something like, “Please silence your phone, and don’t forget pick up your dog’s shit before you leave.”

Why should I care if someone carries their dog around in a handbag, or pushes them around in a stroller? Because sometimes in life, when you encounter something so massively stupid, it can in turn threaten your own intelligence. As if the stupidity just kills off your brain cells at a faster rate than a lifetime of alcoholism. At least, I think that’s how it works, though I might not be smart enough to tell anymore.

Really? You’re putting a dog in a position normally reserved for a human child. Granted, it could be said that having a dog is much like having a hairy child stuck at the age of 2 with attention deficit disorder.

But the line has to be drawn somewhere—and I think that line is right in between sauntering around town with your companion enjoying the day, and creepily forcing them into some sort of costume as you push them around in a doggy stroller. You are the canine version of a crazy cat lady. You may not have as many cats running around your house, but you sure do have as much crazy running about in your head.

I know: Dogs are pretty smart. I actually believe that dogs do have emotions and a certain level of higher thought. However, unlike dogs, humans don’t arbitrarily defecate on the sidewalk, or randomly hump your leg.

Figure it out, Portland! There is a difference between humans and dogs. Just as there is a difference between being a people person and being a cannibal, or public relations and streetwalkers—believe me, I know. And there is a difference between a dog lover, and you with your mutt in a handbag, wearing a matching sweater.